#crying for the past that has left and the future i never thought i'd have

[vrgssmncht]

Throwback to my eleventh grade self who wrote about two gay-ass grad students who loves hiking becoming conservation scientists and slowly falling in love and then agreed to live together in the woods.. I even inserted a Queen song ref at the end on an angsty car ride- the gayest thing I ever wrote. I wrote it for creative writing assignment in my strict Islamic school's english class.. ah I really thought it was soooo discreetly implied and sooo subtext nobody would ever think it's a gayass story. But thinking about it back, damn, my teacher probably goes live slug reaction on the first paragraph of reading that hahah.

[mars4hellokitty]

We'll never have sex

Hockeyplayer!Vi x reader :)

| The notorious fuck boy has seemingly put her days of sleeping around behind her after getting in a committed relationship. But between her teammates and the reputation bestowed upon her, the pressure to please you becomes overbearing |

wordcount : 2k

cw : none really? angst if you squint really hard but other than that it's just tooth rotting fluff :p hurt x comfort. ALSO MY NATIVE LANGUAGE ISN'T ENGLISH SO PLEASE BE MINDFUL 🙂‍↕️🙏🏾

a/n : THANK YOU SO MUCH @applejusue FOR PROOF READING FOR ME MUAH ILY ALL 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

I just lost my ficginity guys 😓💔 I'm so so so so so so so so scared about posting this idk why it's probably like fine for my first try????? idk roast me to death or give me love idk idc um i don't think I'll write that much in the future??????? honestly who knows? ok i know I said roast me to death but dont be too harsh or I'll cry ☹️ OKAY HAVE FUN READING BYEEEEE

Milestones in relationships weren't something Vi was too familiar with, yet it felt like everyone around her had an internal checklist of these stages, which they expected their relationship to follow:

1. Dating

2. Officially being girlfriends

3. Saying ‘I love you’

4. Having sex

The hockey player was a notorious fuck boy in highschool, a reputation she has yet to be able to redeem. Because of this, her teammates are a bit…

Vi’s gaze traces up and down the aisle, trying to find something that you'd like. It was your anniversary and she wanted to get you something small to celebrate that, without the price hurting her wallet.

She grabs a box of chocolates she knew you loved, temporarily ignoring how many shifts at the Last drop it would cost her as she holds it gently.

Her teammate, Maddie, scoffs at her.

“I'd never spend that much money on such a prude.”

Vi's jaw clenches, teeth grinding together as she huffs through her nose.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I didn't think you had it in you man, a few years ago you wouldn't even have had a girl around for a week, let alone 5 months!” another girl shoots in, her seemingly sinister snicker making the other ones laugh all over again.

Her teammates laugh.

Like it was unbelievable that Vi would be with someone without putting her tongue in them.

“Just quit it, alright?” She huffs, pushing past them to get to the cashier. Pretending as though their words didn't feed her already growing insecurities.

Of course she'd thought about it, why you two hadn't done it already, were you just not ready? Did you not like her? Was she disappointing you?

Was she even worth more than what she could do for others?

Her mind churns and wanders, not noticing the line diminishing until the cashier has to gently bring her back to earth, waving a hand in front of her eyes.

Vi flinches slightly, putting the chocolate on the conveyor belt with an apologetic expression.

Her teammates had left her — How predictable — leaving her to take the long route to the dorms.

On the way there she made a plan, she had to. You were going to leave her unless she stopped being all sappy and just fucked you already.

———————————————————————————

You had prepared everything, walking around and decorating the limited space you had in your dorm before your girlfriend was coming over.

You had your friends on speaker as you paced around, excitedly showing them everything you had bought as you neatly wrapped her gifts.

“I hope she'll like it!” You say excitedly to your friends, grinning.

The friends look at each other slightly before turning to talk to you.

“Look… It's been 5 months right?” She says carefully, trying to gauge your reaction.

You nod, not quite understand where this conversation was headed.

“And you haven't had sex?” Her question earns a groan from you as you keep tidying up.

“No we haven't, there's no deadline is there?” You ask sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

You didn't get why people put this timeline in front of you for no reason. Why couldn't you two just go at your own pace?

You were aware of Vi's past, and had a healthy dose of skepticism before you two started exclusively dating but she proved herself time and time again.

By this point you trusted her completely, which is why your friend’s unnecessary comment annoyed you.

“We're just looking out for you girlie, intimacy is important you know!” She says, trying to cover for the other friend.

Just as you were about to respond, the doorbell rings.

“She's here! "Bye!" You hang up before they get the chance to say anything, rushing to the door with a grin.

———————————————————————————

Vi nervously shuffles from foot to foot, the plans that were previously swirling around in her head now plummet to the ground at the sight of you.

She's more nervous than usual, smiling sheepishly as you hug, wiping her hands on her pants when you aren't looking, running her hands through her hair enough times to probably make it greasy despite her definitely showering properly before coming here god why was she such a mess?

You didn't seem to notice, or maybe you did and just didn't want to comment on it. Maybe you found her so disgusting it turned you off?

“Do you like it?” You smile, showing her how you've decorated the place.

You pull her out of this anxious trance, as she looks around.

You had put in so much effort, for her? She hugs you gently.

“Thank you baby, happy 5 month anniversary.” You say sweetly, kissing her cheek gently.

Vi usually loves it when you kiss her cheek, it's a comfortable way to show intimacy, but now it's gotten to her. What if you kiss her other places instead of her lips on purpose?

Vi fidgets, picking at the skin of her scabbed knuckles.

You place the gifts you've wrapped neatly in front of Vi, smiling.

“Open it!” You coo, smiling as she takes the gifts, opening them.

The first gift is a bunny plushie dressed up as a hockey player, including the puck and the ball. You smile, proud that you got your girlfriend something she'd enjoy having.

A smile creeps up the pinkettes face. “Thank you babe.” Her hand reaches for yours, kissing it gently.

You giggle, enjoying her chivalrous ways of thanking you.

“I could thank you in other ways, you know?” Her voice gets low, watching your body language as she turns your hand, kissing up your forearm.

You shiver slightly, your breath labored ever so slightly.

“What- what are you doing?” the words slipped out, slightly shocked.

The pink haired girl freezes, looking up at you as she slowly pulls her lips away.

“I'm sorry I thought you wanted-” She begins, her eyes searching your face as the tears sting behind them.

A worried expression paints your face as you move closer towards your girlfriend.

“Thought I wanted what?” You ask softly, looking up at her.

“We've been together for almost half a year and we haven't had sex!” She blurts out, the words hanging in the air for a beat too long.

“There's no deadline, Vi.” You reassure her, grabbing her face gently, letting your thumbs caress her soft cheeks.

“But haven't you been waiting?” The pinkette asks, the statements from her teammates sticking to her like glue.

“To have sex? no?” You answer as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Like sex was just something you randomly chose one day to want. Like it hadn't been plaguing your mind like her teammates said it had.

“But they said…” She furrowed her eyebrows.

“Who's they, Vi?”

“... "My teammates."

You groan, having made it clear that you've never liked them a long time ago.

“Violet Vanderson, listen to me alright?” You say sternly, yet your voice is laced with love.

“I’d love you even if you told me you never wanted to have sex” You say, matter of factly. Her eyes water as your thumb reaches up to wipe it away.

“You mean more to me than that, you know that right?” You reassure, search her face for any sign of her taking your words into account.

Her tough exterior finally crumbles, her face scrunching up as she cries, her face in your hands. You pull her into a hug, soothing her gently.

All those years, only being pursued for one thing, convinced her she wouldn't find someone who wanted her for more than that. Someone who would hold her while she cries in a kitchen decorated to celebrate their 5 month anniversary.

“I love you, not just what you can give me. I love all of you.” You cooed gently, kissing her hair.

“I love you too.” She sobbed, burrying her head in the crook of your neck.

———————————————————————————

You stay like that for a while,embracing each other as your hands drawing soothing circles on her back ever so gently.

When the pinkette looks up at you, her glossy powder blue eyes slightly red from all the crying, you simply smile.

“Do you want to sit on the couch? you still haven't opened the other present I got you.” You coo softly, kissing away the remaining tears.

Vi closes her eyes for a moment, soaking in the kisses, as if the soft plush of your lips would heal the wounds deep in her soul.

Without any warning she simply picks you up, playfully running over to the couch with you.

You laugh, playfully scolding her to slow down so she doesn't drop you. Your girlfriend gets the gift you got her as she sits down, placing you on her lap.

You turn to face her, straddling her lap to see her reaction better. “Go on, open it.” You urge her impatiently as she laughs.

“Calm down princess, I will.” She smirks, unwrapping the gift gently. The neat wrapping is undone carefully, a silent appreciation for your wrapping skills.

Her smirk widens into a smile as she opens the small box, finding a silver necklace with a violet colored stone inside.

“I know you don't wear these kinds of necklaces very often but it reminded me of you and-” her soft lips met yours before you were able to finish your sentence.

It wasn't rushed, heated, hungry or ranchy like she had planned it to be before she entered your dorm.

It was simple, sweet and loving, and she wouldn't want it to be any other way.

She takes notices of you smiling in the kiss, smiling as well. Vi’s unending stamina takes a toll on you as you gently pull away, needing air.

“So I take it you liked the gift?” You say in-between catching your breath.

“Liked is an understatement. I loved it, thank you so much.”

“I can put it on you if you want?” You suggest, gently taking the necklace out of her hands.

Vi nods as you lean in, breathing in the smell of your perfume as you lock the necklace.

You place a kiss on her neck, a gentle peck.

“It tickles,” she responds, grinning

“I love you” You murmur gently, pulling away

Vi hums gently in response

“The necklace looks really good on you, violet on violet.” You grin.

The pinkettes blue eyes roll at you, caressing your hips gently.

“Did you want to watch a movie?” You ask, turning around to reach for the remote.

“Sure, why don't you pick something princess?” She murmurs gently, placing her chin on your shoulder.

The tv glows gently as the time flies by as you watch the movie, occasionally switching positions as you talk about everything and nothing at all.

The credits roll on the tv screen, Vi spooning you gently. She peaks over your shoulder to check-in on you only to see you sleeping. She smiles, kissing the top of your head gently as she closes her eyes.

———————————————————————————

She's convinced their coach hates them when the fluorescent lights in the ice rink attacked her eyes early in the morning.

The harsh sounds of the ice-skating blades slashing through the ice echo throughout the rink, in sync with the swish from the hockey stick perfectly leading the puck through the different obstacle courses.

At some point during the practice you had come, holding a water bottle as you waved excitedly waiting for her to see you.

Her heart skipped a beat as her powder blue eyes met yours. You came to her practice, with water.

Such a small gesture, yet so considerate.

You really did care.

Your gaze kept Vi in a trance —well until Coach Sevika came over— momentarily distracting her.

Maddie skates up next to her, nudging her slightly

“Hey Vi, you got any action last night?” Maddie snickers.

Vi smirks “Why, do you need any tips?” She shoots back.

Her teammates all collectively ‘ooo’ and Maddie scoffs, crossing her arms.

“N-no! me and Caitlyn are doing just fine!”

“If you must know, we watched a movie and fell asleep.”

Her teammates quiet down.

“and that's.. that alright with you?” Another one of them quipped, gauging Vi's reaction.

“Yeah. We're taking things at our own pace. One step at a time.” She answers, smiling as she looks up at you again.

Besides, there's no deadline, is there?

Taglist : @lolitalovess @korn-dawg @usuck @wrappedinvines

[mythicmanuscripts]

So, what are your thoughts about Aemond and reader’s first time, considering all his past experiences with the brothel and all (I don’t know if that too vague, if it is, I’ll try to be more specific next time haha)

I love this question! Also, I don't think this is too vague but thank you for checking!! For future reference and also for everyone else, if you had just asked for something like "write Aemond and reader sleeping together" or "write Aemond x reader smut" then I'd say there's not enough to go on. Hope that makes sense!!

Anyway, NSFW sub!aemond below the cut :))

This ask is in reference to the brothel scene where Aemond admits that Aegon essentially forced him to sleep with a sex worker when he had just turned 13.

I'm sure I've babbled on about what I'm about to say before but oh well here we go again: I think that a big part of Aemond's discomfort with the sex worker wasnt just because he was being forced to lose his virginity but because of how utterly exposed he felt? We all know how closed off and composed Aemond always tries to be, and we know he has plenty of insecurities both from his missing eye and from being the second son. The concept of sex as a whole had always felt uncomfortable and far too vulnerable. To lay completely naked with another? Aemond couldnt imagine a scenario where that wouldnt feel terrifying.

And then he turns 13 and Aegon shoves him into a brothel and all his worst fears are confirmed. The sex worker's eyes shamelessly travel across his body and he has to fight the urge to wrap a blanket around himself. The lights are too harsh, he can hear other people having sex outside the room. r

When he leaves there he's convinced he'll never lay with another again. He even decides that he'd let his future wife fuck the first blond hair man they can find and call the resulting child his heir because he couldnt bring himself to be the exposed again.

But then Alicent introduces him to you and you throw a rather large wrench in his plans because you don't do any of those things that left him feeling exposed?

Even before the wedding, you're always checking his boundaries and ensuring you abide by them. If he seems uncomfortable you step away and you ask. And beyond that, you form a real, genuine bond with him that he's never had with anyone before never mind with a romantic partner.

The truth is that Aemond just really loves being around you? He doesn't even notice his walls beginning to crumble because he just feels so safe with you. For the first time he's not constantly having to prove himself.

You're shocked by how different he is to how everyone else had warned you he'd be. You don't see an ounce of the danger and dominance so many others had warned you off, hell even his own mother warned you of. But those traits have always been due to a fight for survival, due to him having to come out on top or risk being ridiculed or worse.

So when you come along and you make it so that he doesn't have to fight for love and respect and recognition? Then all that violence and anger slips away because he doesn't need it here.

You start out VERY slow.

Aemond can best be described as almost skittish when it comes to sex and intimacy. He likes it, but the moment something moves just slightly too quickly he's jumping up and going to hide in his own private chambers.

The first time you kiss him after the wedding, he very nearly starts crying because you just kiss him so gently with absolutely no indication of wanting to go any further than that. Aemond realises he could happily spend hours like that, with the two of you laying together and trading soft kisses.

He tells you about the sex worker eventually, maybe Aegon actually makes a comment about it? Like a few weeks into the marriage Aegon decides to tease Aemond and ask him if he still goes back to his first or if he's actually fucking his wife. (Aegon promptly sprints out the room immediately after saying this because the look in your eyes when you turned to look at him was absolutely terrifying)

So he opens up about the sex worker with you, and he full on sobs when you say he deserved better and that he deserved to feel safe, that sex should always feel safe.

From then, you put a lot of time and effort into ensuring that your chambers together becomes that warm, safe place aemond was missing. You only approve 3 servants who are allowed into your chambers with Aemond, and only 2 are allowed in at a time. No servants can come into the chambers unprompted either. If you want the sheets cleaned or the laundry taken to be washed, then you will call one of the 3 approved servants but servants are not allowed to do those things on their own, only when you request it.

Once that's been sorted you start getting the rooms themselves into a better state. You keep candles all over the walls, get the softest blankets and pillows you can. Maybe you also get some of his favourite books to put up? It's a slow, gradual change but Aemond notices every single change and every time his breath it taken away at how perfect you are. He never even had to explain how vulnerable he was the first time, you just knew and you knew how to make him feel comfortable.

The actual sex takes longer of course, and there's plenty of oral and makeup sessions before he's ready for more, but when you do get to the main event he can't believe how good he feels?

The way you praise him and check in on him brings tears to his eyes, and when you gently wrap a blanket around his shoulders while you stroke him he really does cry. Just that simple gesture of putting the blanket over him makes him feel so much less exposed.

Sex is always a calm, quiet affair with Aemond. Make no mistake, you certainly get edge him and overstimulate him and all that fun stuff, but that's never with standard sex. If you're doing those other things then you're either pegging him or using your hands/mouth. The actual act of sex, that is always gentle. It's the gentleness that really breaks him.

(One quick sidenote to end off: cockwarming, how the flying fuck have we never discussed it? I'm now now picturing a scene where it's the first time you go the whole nine yards, but then from the moment Aemond slowly enters you, he just stays still? At first you think he's trying to get used to the feeling but when even more time has passed and he still hasn't moved, you ask him that's going on and that's when he kinda just collapses into your, his cock still inside and mumbles about how nice this feels. So needless to say, actual sex was not achieved that day)

[viktoriaashleyyx]

This is a pro Tamlin, anti Rhysand self insert revenge fic. All characters belong to SJM, but she wasn't treating them right. Tam x reader, Tam x Rhysands Sister (OC), First person narrative. This will also reference Elucien and Neris in the future but we aren't there yet.

We are headed to the House of Wind to confront RhySAnd and we see more of Sky's past as she taunts RhySAnd with it.

Tw: Discusses RhySAnds SA of Feyre UTM, magical violence.

((Thank you for being patient with me. Moving sucks, but things are starting to settle down now))

Ch 1

Ch 6 >> Ch 8

Chapter 7:

Today is the day we were heading to the House of Wind. I had sent a letter to Rhysand offering to meet him, that Tamlin will join me, it took him a few days to respond. Lucien was back on his feet feeling good as new.

After putting on one of my dresses, I sat at the vanity as Tamlin braided my hair, he was getting better at it. This has become almost a morning ritual for us. Brushing and braiding each other's hair as we discuss what's on our mind. Today we were both silent, we didn't want to do this, but at least we will be together.

When we were both ready we joined Lucien in the dining hall for breakfast.

“I almost want to go with you, just to see the look on Rhysands face as I walk in there unscathed.” Lucien admitted.

“I'd rather see the hate in Feyres eyes when I tell her you're dead by Rhysands hand,” I teased.

Lucien chuckled, Tamlin wasn't amused.

“You could go in disguise.” I joked, “have Tamlin turn you into a Raven and perch on my shoulder if you're so nosey.”

“Don't tempt me with a good time.” Lucien was going with it.

“No,” Tamlin huffed.

“Please, imagine how badass I would look walking in with a raven on my shoulder.” I whined. Still teasing, trying to lighten my nerves.

“I'm okay with that.” Lucien shrugged. Tamlin just groaned.

♡♡♡♡♡

“No, not a red raven, they're gonna recognize him. A normal raven.” I ordered.

“I can't believe we are actually doing this.” Tamlin sighed.

♡♡♡♡♡♡

I portaled us to the door of the House of Wind, held Tamlins hand, and knocked. He was nervous, he had never been to Velaris before, but, thanks to my brother, the secrecy of this city has faltered.

“There's my baby sister! Can I finally get that hug?” Rhysand tried to embrace me and I put my hand on his chest pushing him back.

“I don't like to be touched.” I said dryly. “See how easy it was for me to show up on the OUTSIDE of your house and KNOCK?” I judged. “Show us to where we are having this meeting.”

“So bossy,” Rhysand teased, “you're not even the slightest bit happy to see me?”

He led us to a large sitting room, Tamlin and I sat on one couch, well, I perched on the edge, (how do the other illyrians sit here comfortably?) Rhysand and Feyre on the other, with who I assume to be, Feyre's sister and either Cassian or Azriel, I couldn't remember, the one with long hair, sitting in the corner, obviously eavesdropping. “Why would I be happy to see you? The last time you threw Lucien's dead body at me.”

Rhysands face dropped, he expected me to be more subtle. Feyre's face lined with shock as tears welled up in her eyes. “What? What is she talking about, Rhysand? You told me he left to stay at the Spring court.”

“Well? It was obviously a cry for attention, now you have it. What do you want from me?” I said coldly, cutting her off.

“I just want you home, where you belong.” Rhysand said, annoyed that he will surely have to weave another lie to Feyre later.

“I am where I belong. Is that all? You just want another prisoner to add to your collection?” I noticed Feyres sisters' ears perk up. She had no walls built up to protect her mind, odd for someone living in a house with daemati.

“You wouldn't be a prisoner.” Rhysand snapped.

I laughed, “no one generally chooses to stay in your company, brother.” Feyre still had pain on her face, lost in thought and trying to hold it together just long enough to finish the meeting. Hmm, it seems she might still have a heart after all.

“I would just like to show you around Velaris, catch up and show you what I've accomplished in the past years.” Rhysand admitted, trying, and failing, to stay collected.

“Velaris has always been perfect and protected, as done by our grandfather. If you want to impress me, show me how you have improved the lives of the people in the Hewn city and illyria.” Velaris citizens were safe, well cared for and ruled justly. Illyria has been used as my family's own personal warrior farm, and the Hewn City citizens trapped since long before I was born. “Tell me, do the majority of Illyrian citizens still live in tents?”

“We are doing our best in illyria. It's not as easy as you think.” Rhysand replied with a slight hint of attitude. He wasn't used to someone calling him out on his fallacies.

“Huh, I would believe that 500 years is plenty of time for the most powerful high lord.” I said mockingly. He loved to spit that phrase unto himself, a gross display of arrogance was all it ever was. “Tell me, how many mansions do you have now?”

“Six,” Feyre whispered, deep in thought, she seemed like she also had not heard anyone question him.

“Gross.” I replied bluntly. “Mother isn't going to be happy to hear about this.”

“Mom is alive?” Rhysand gasped, a light flickered in his eyes, Feyres jaw dropped slightly, the other Illyrian stared at me. “Where is she?”

“She lives amongst the warrior women of Brokilon, a forest warded well against anyone who wishes it or its inhabitants harm. I don't mind telling you this because there is absolutely no way for you to get there without my help. It's located in an entirely different realm. I needed divine intervention to return, something you would never be able to hack.” Every eye was on me, as they tried to make sense of it. “Our sister and I visit her regularly, she doesn't ask about you much.”

“Sister?” Rhysand seemed to finally be speechless. That last line stung.

“Yes, Yennefer. Half human, half Illyrian. She is an insanely powerful mage. She looks like us, violet eyes, black hair, but no wings. She had a slightly easier time in that realm considering they kill ‘Pointy ears’ on sight there. Think of what I would look like masquerading as a human, and that's her.”

“A mage?” Feyre questioned.

“Yes, in that realm magic is pulled from many sources, not just the earth, and they use that magic to.. mutate(?) humans into immortals. Thats where I learned the portals.”

“How did you and mother get there? How did you survive?” Rhysand pressed. I am not going to lie, I am enjoying the attention.

“When Tamlins father raised his blade to strike me,” I gripped Tamlins hand, I didn't blame him for breaking when the information of my location was tortured out of him. “I panicked. I held mother tight and reached out for any escape, and when I opened my eyes, we were in a forest I had never seen before. An Ash forest. I learned later that the power I grasped was chaos, not the power of the land.”

“Don't forget it was Tamlin who had you killed. He locked Feyre up and he hurt her.” Rhysand spit.

“He didn't ‘have me killed’ if I am currently sitting here, Rhysand. Mother and I are both alive, that is more than I can say for my predecessor, the last Lady of Spring” I retorted with a too sweet smile. While we hadn't exactly made it official, how could we with an empty court, this is the first time I have claimed that title. I wanted to turn to see Tamlins reaction, but I didn't want to lead on how significant this was to the others in the room. Tamlin showed his approval by softly moving his thumb over the back of my hand.

“And fair, yes, both Tamlin and Feyre made mistakes, that is not my place to comment on. Keep in mind, though, WE are the ones that wanted to stay away. You drug us here. Tamlin apologized, she didn't accept, and since then he has mostly kept to his own court. You and your brutes are the ones that keep going to him. Tell me, did you ever apologize to Feyre for what you did to her under the mountain?” I could see out of the corner of my eye, Feyres sister was shocked. She obviously didn't know what all the other High lords and courts witnessed. Rhysand and Feyres eyes both narrowed at me.

“If there is anything that is not your place to bring up-” Rhysand started.

“You did it so publicly,” I cut him off, “all the other High lords in Prythia became unwilling participants to your weird exhibitionst kink. You even admitted you did it to hurt Tamlin.”

“What did he do?” Feyres sister demanded through clenched teeth.

“Nothing Nesta. Mind your business.” Feyre snapped.

“He drugged her, and made her the nightly entertainment for all the courts under the mountain as she was stripped naked and forced to dance for him. If you knew she was your mate, why would you treat her that way?” Directed to Rhysand, then back to Feyre, “why cant your older sister know? Everyone else in Prythia does.”

“He did it to protect me.”

“Is that what he told you? You deserve better, babygirl.”

Rhysand was losing control. Both Lucien and Tamlin had the metal shields up that protected them from Rhysands daemati powers. So what does any self centered brat do when they are losing control? They change the subject, hoping to garner favor.

“I still remember you, bowed down kissing my boot and begging,” Rhysand taunted Tamlin.

I heard him take a deep breath, Lucien's talons gripped into my shoulder and I tried not to flinch at the pain. I retorted quickly, “what for? Oh that's right, it was to convince you to not sell Feyre out to Amarantha. Or should I say ‘Claire.’ Right? I wonder if your love for your mate is strong enough to entice you to do the same, dear brother.” Feyre began to choke.

Nesta was angry, confused, trying to process everything she just heard. Shock lined the Illyrian males face too, he hadn't heard either.

“Let her go.” Rhysand snarled at me, unmoving. His eyes void of any emotion.

“Ah, ah,” I sang, pointing a finger down to my boot. “You know what I want.”

“I will never bow to you,”

“Quickly, she's fading fast.”

Nesta cried out and bowed herself. The illyrian brute holding her back, Rhysand remained still, not breaking eye contact. I sent a message to her mind, Feyre will not die, I promise.

“Enough, Sky.” Tamlin growled at me.

I released my grip on her lungs and she took a heavy breath, fear, anger and confusion in her eyes.

“Let it be known, Feyre, that your ‘mate’ wouldn't even move a muscle to save you, but Tamlin questioned even me.” I said to her softly. “It seems you have a lot to think about.”

“Let's go,” Tamlin hissed at me. Uh oh, I am in trouble. I opened a portal home and we left.

♡♡♡♡♡

“We don't hurt people, Sky, that's not who we are.” Tamlin was angry. He shifted Lucien back to normal.

“I was in full control the entire time, I was not going to let her die,” my response was cold.

“I thought it was great,” Lucien muttered, eyes wide, but not meeting ours.

“If you are jealous of her–” Tamlin accused.

“JEALOUS? of her?” I cut him off and raised my voice, “I am angry with her. I do not give half a fuck who you had in your bed while I was gone, Tamlin, what I do care about is her destruction of my court. You, and her, were so incredibly toxic together it ended with entire cities burnt to ash, my people lost their homes because you two couldn't talk to each other. That is where my frustration starts and ends. My people, families, children, entire lives uprooted and destroyed. People shouldn't have to suffer because their leader is going through a break up. Childish nonsense caused me to return home to an abandoned court..” my voice softened, ever so slightly, “you are doing the work to rebuild and correct your mistakes while she is gallivanting around the night court like the sun shines out of her ass. She shows no remorse, no empathy for the people she destroyed. I cannot express how little I care that you enjoyed the taste of her.”

His stance softened and he whispered “I'm sorry, Sky.”

“Don't ever question where my loyalties lie, again.” I spit. Lucien reached a hand out to me, and I turned and stormed off to compose myself.

♡♡♡♡♡

I found myself outside my old gallery, a room I have dreamed of returning to for 300 years, I opened the door and creeped in.

It was obvious that others have used this, Tamlin admitted as much, admitted that Feyre would paint in here. I carefully studied the art laid out around the room, the paints and brushes strung out and left to dry. I felt a twinge in my chest, was it jealousy? No, I didn't seriously expect an entire room left empty for so long, did I?

And then I found hers. Much simpler art than the realism I painted in, lots of abstract splotches and lines, and crudely drawn pictures. It was beautiful in its own right, obviously done while she was a human. A human. Turned Fae, after the atrocities of Amarantha. Still a child by Fae years, forced into Prythia, forced into marriage after marriage. I know as well as anyone what a prison a crown truly is, her youth, her freedom, stolen from her by tradition, power, and lust. I had been treating her as the High Lady she chose to be, I wonder if that decision was made with her properly informed consent, or just pushed on her by my brother.

♡♡♡♡

An hour or so later, I headed out to find Tamlin. My head was clear now and we needed to talk.

He was in his study, hunched over his desk, head in his hands. It was dark now, the moonlight was the only thing illuminating the room. “Tam?” I creaked the door open and entered slowly. He didn't respond.

I walked over to him and laid a gentle hand on his back. “My love,” I whispered, “can we talk? I'm sorry I blew up today.” He slid his chair out and pulled me onto his lap, holding me in his arms as I nestled my head in his neck.

“I love you, I am sorry I upset you.” Tamlin whispered. “I just didn't expect that today. I shouldn't have accused you. I don't, honestly, think that low of you, I was just angry.”

“I shouldn't have hurt her like that. I used her to shut my brother up the same way he used Lucien. Tensions were high today. I wanted to just stay away but my brother is so spoiled he can't take no for an answer. I'm sorry, I understand that seeing her in pain is not easy for you.” He just held me tighter, and I kissed his neck.

“I don't like leaving Spring.” Tamlin admitted quietly, “It just makes me feel sick every second I am outside my borders.”

“You're gonna have to pick one,” my voice soft and sweet, “either you swallow your worry, or your unease. I need to be able to leave if we are going to rebuild.” I lifted my hand to caress his cheek, slowly brushing his golden hair behind his ear. He laid a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“So, Lady of Spring, huh?” He smiled sweetly down at me, I sat up and turned slightly to look him in the face. “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” I breathed leaning in closer, our lips almost touching, “unless you object?”

He pulled me in closer and kissed me deeply, “I would never object to that.”

Tag list: @ladythornofrivia @rcarbo1 @rin-u-pos @knoxic @lilah-asteria @littlefantasylover

[deepinthegroves]

hihihi for the nostalgia ask!!! 🌃, 👤 and 📸

thanks for the ask <33 sorry it took me ..a while to answer.

answering for my band dr! (discography , intro ,,)

📸 PERFECTLY KEPT POLAROIDS... any memories you wish to keep pristine? ones that you visit again and again, replaying them to make you smile?

the day that Kiss Me and Cry blew up was. astounding. unbelievable. i had barely staggered out of bed, hair mussed and eyes still crusty from sleep when Liam tackles me into a hug, the rest of the band around us screaming and shouting. still groggy from sleep, i'd ask what was going on, and i got shoved our listening data in my face. the glare of the screen was blinding but i didn't care, attention captivated by the way our listening had shot up into the 100k of monthly listeners.

no one could've expected the insane reaction after we dropped You Up?. hell, we'd gone to bed, just relieved we finally have it out. it's something that i've revisited in the many nights since, to just feel the disbelief and high again. we had worked so hard and it paid off. how many people can say that?

👤 I WILL REMEMBER YOU... these are the people who have left your life, and yet they still have their impacts in your life, whether it be the soap you use or the way you peel an orange. who are they and what is their impact?

there's one important one. we don't talk about him much.. the band rarely ever mentions Roman, and if they do, they tiptoe around the topic on eggshells. i don't think Liam's entirely liked him either.

he was my college boyfriend, back before we decided to go all in on this band business. i'd score first place in class and he'd be right behind me, but i liked that he never did go crazy about it. sure, he threw himself into the books right after, shooting me a smug grin whenever he "won", but it wasn't entirely bad. it just felt like a fun rivalry, one that pushed us to be better (though the high of the competition kept us both going back for more).

we eventually got together when we were paired up, and it didn't take long for us to fall deep. i thought i'd marry him. he picked out a name for our future daughter/ son (he was Roman and I Rowan so he wanted to continue the pattern with Rowena/ Ronan. it's so cute.). ...and then one day he had to move. his mother was sick and he had to go care for her. he'd give up his scholarship. we tried long distance, but eventually it took it's toll on us. i haven't seen him since the day i hung up in tears, having freshly broken up with him.

still, i order the same coffee, the one that he introduced to me, in every coffee shop. i continue eating coconut ice cream, because he convinced me to try it once. when i'm in a rush, i tie my knots the way he does, looping it through the middle and tightening it, because i copied it off of him all those years ago. i don't think about him too much nowadays. but sometimes, sometimes, during those dark nights when things hit and your chest aches, when i'm all alone on my balcony watching the city lights, i can't help but wonder how he's doing. has he moved on? did he ever achieve any of those ridiculously extravagant goals he'd set? ..would we recognise the other if we ever saw each other again?

🌃 IN THE DARK... what do you think of when you lay in the dark, daydreaming before sleep? are they good memories? bad memories? go ahead and confess to the void.

on good days? it's mostly me turning over song lyrics in my mind, wondering whether they work, and trying to fix them before bed. i'll let my imagination wander a little, storming up ideas that could either turn into songs or tucked away as stories scribbled into my personal diary. it doesn't matter. sometimes it drifts, drifts to the people i care about, and i have a mortifying habit of thinking about liam and our past escapades together before going to sleep. still, it makes me smile – he is so ridiculous at times (like the time we snuck out and went to an abandoned amusement park and we almost got caught because his pants got stuck. we only got free because we managed to tear the fabric so he was just wandering about after with this weird combination of one ripped pant leg and another normal, long one.) that i cannot help but laugh to myself.

on bad days? i toss and turn, head spiralling with thought after thought. my brain decides that it's a good time to take out embarrassing moments and analyse them, magnifying each impact. oh you tripped during practice and nearly smashed your face against the rehearsal floor. cool! let's think about all the people who saw and what they now think of you. did someone take a video of you? could you wake up and see your embarrassment plastered all over social media, becoming a new meme? my brain needs to shut up.

on the days where i'm exhausted however, my brain runs slow. memories slip against each other, thoughts start before the other finishes, and i fight not to close my eyes and just free fall onto the floor. practice can be gruelling, and so can planning and recording new songs (especially when you have a perfectionist manager), and there are just days where i could probably fall asleep standing up if given the chance.

[kitorin]

journal.

in which, itoshi rin's midnight writing exposes what he's kept concealed from you.

contents. itoshi rin x reader, 2.878 k words, fluff, angst (in the past), itoshi backstory spoilers (mixed with a few headcanons), 1st person rin pov for a bit (journal entry), regular highschool au

a/n. is this my best? no. but is it the best i have for today? yes. happy birthday to rin <3 after assignments are done i'll definitely rewrite this (i gave up on proofreading)

10 / 09 / 2023 : SUNDAY, 12:04 am - 3:21 am

Solitude has never been a foreigner.

In fact, he's quite a familiar individual, an old companion that never seems to leave.

Even before Nii chan left for Spain, solitude was still there for me. During class I wouldn't utter a word to anyone else unless necessary, and contrariwise for said classmates. People still spoke to me; just not to the extent that they'd know what my favourite foods were, or what I liked to watch in my free time, not even bothering with it. I've never been invited to hang out with anyone after school, or been to someone else's house (not that I particularly cared, I was just sure that I was the only one).

But I was okay with it. I didn't want, or need anyone else when Nii chan bought me ice blocks, giving me the bigger piece as we'd watch the sun's warm hues bleed into the sky; the saccharine iciness contrasting how warm is was to be swallowed by sunlight together. Dad took us fishing a lot, he's always been well acquainted with the sea, taking us to locations well populated by bream; my favourite. On our way home we'd harvest kelp (Nii chan likes it in rice, salted) and take photos together on our yacht, admiring how the sun greets the world farewell, sinking into the aquamarine. Mum makes amazing food, I'm constantly astonished at how she manages to memorise every preference, from my love for ochazuke to being able to pour the perfect amount of tea; the rice never becomes too soggy (even I can't pour the exact amount I like). Solitude was close to me, but my family were closer.

There's a lot I could say about them, they've done more than remember what I love and ensuring I was happy; I'm thankful they've delivered the right for me to be comforted, to have a shoulder to cry on, to be able to freely ramble on about whatever fascinated me.

I've always been happy, even if I'm alone outside of the walls I call home. Because whether I laughed my heart out or sobbed to the point I couldn't form a coherent sentence, I'd always come home running to my family. Nothing can beat dinner; where we all relish mum's food, ask each other about our days' and offer solace or advice when necessary.

I miss that. Terribly, to the point my heart aches.

I knew that Nii chan's departure to Europe (Spain, to be exact) would change a lot. I'd have to score without his guidance, walk home alone and buy my own popsicles. Dinner time would have one less soul to laugh with, and home would have one less to embrace.

I just never expected it to be painful change. I never predicted that his return would result in losing us entirely. I didn't think his homecoming would cause my immortal resentment towards the snow, or how my eyes prickle a bit at the mere thought of an ice block. I'd say it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, separation from him following it on the list of my worst experiences.

Solitude avoided me at home, but wasn't enough.

One time on the way home, I was overhearing the team's conversations (nothing particularly new really) and it was a discussion about the future. It was honestly surprising to find out only some of us intended to become soccer players; Nagi would rather stream or compete in professional gaming, Kurona wants to study marine biology in uni, and Yukimiya wants to give acting a go along with his modelling career. Even Isagi has a plan for if professional soccer isn't an option. He said he wanted to help others achieve their dreams if he fails to do so himself.

I remained silent as always, but had a lot more thoughts racing through my mind. Retreating to my room immediately that night, my first thought was to lie in bed, to neglect the clips I planned to analyse, to ignore muscle training for today and to slack off a bit. That's when I realized how sad the life I was living. I was sad because I was reminded of my reality.

I'm a mere myriad of distinguished achievements, though a hideous attempt of replicating genius Itoshi Sae. I'm a collection of formidable accomplishments, basking in the spotlight of glory and honour. The trophies and awards adorning my room prove it, standing tall with pride and flaunting my hard work.

That didn't mean anything. I had remained in a constant cycle of training, eating, and sleeping. My teammates were just as ambitious yet still worked hard on other things; Yukimiya enjoys modelling and Reo has a passion for economics, That must've been where I was lacking.

That's how I ended up writing again. It was an attempt to break out of this cyclical torture of constant training and sports.

I don't know how I remembered it, but I found my notebook from primary, all the stories messily scrawled yet legible. Scarlet adorned narratives birthed from child-like imagination, eulogising the prose, even though I almost flinched out of embarrassment.

Flipping through the pages, I had found the paragraph my teacher left me, insisting that I keep writing. Obviously, I never did. After getting into soccer I ignored everything school related, and would've found words on a page foolish anyways.

Many years later, I finally followed that advice.

The end result wasn't pretty. I paused a lot, struggled a lot, and almost gave up, a lot. It may have been hideous, but it was mine. A piece birthed from curiosity and memories from the past turned into another attempt. Another attempt morphed into extensive reading, I wanted to observe what was considered worthwhile or meaningless.

Writing rewove the early nights into late night reading, fully immersed in the author's thoughts translated into prose. Reading was the push to giving academics a go. Academics pulled me out of the endless cycle of soccer, there was more to life than training and diet regulation.

Books I can read. Words I can write. Exams I can study for and sports I can practice. Weights I can lift and competitions I can train for.

But to be loved, is so difficult.

It's not like an exam that you can study for and simply memorise the answers to. Or a match that has the security of a referee and reinforced rules. It's not something that can be guaranteed with a mentor.

People treat Isagi to his favourite whenever he has a bad day (he likes kintsuba). People advocate their favourite novels to Yukimiya and Chigiri, even going as far as memorising their preferences to curate their recommendations flawlessly. It must be nice, for someone to invest that sort of effort in you, even if it's simply remembering a hobby.

As my peers savoured the allure of love, estrangement and desolation constantly haunted me; a pest habituating the sleepless nights where I try to escape with a cup of coffee that's long gone cold.

It's lukewarm, praying for another's attention, care and love, to be hungry for one's time. I pathetically plead whoever manipulating my fate to provide me some sort of human connection. I shouldn't be so hopeful of others, yet I find myself dying of curiosity; what would it be like for someone to remember my birthday? Or tell me about the horror movie they adored?

I despise solitude's clinginess. But I hate how it makes me sob endlessly when no one watches.

I have myself. I have my thoughts which I've transcribed to oeuvre. I have the pile of books resting on my bedside table which sleep alongside with me. I have the trophies and awards I've won, I'll always appreciate my own talent and diligence, even if playing soccer brought me so much pain.

I think I'm somewhat pretty. I find my prominent eyelashes special to me, it's something unique to both me and Nii chan. My physique isn't too bad, either. I like the way my legs look, and my shoulders as I dry my hair.

I've always been proud of myself. I've always been enough and I always will be. Just not for others.

That's why I never expected my bond with solitude to be severed so easily. Especially because of y/n out of all people.

I still don't get how it happened. The oblivion to their presence became a peculiar first impression. An odd first meeting turned into abrupt yet regular greetings amidst hallways. Soon, I was sitting with them in every class, passing notes during tedious lessons and discussing our favourite media on the bus ride home.

Before I knew it, passionate rambles about books turned into watching movies together in my room. Whenever they greeted me their friendly wave was replaced with a tight hug, passing notes in class were accompanied with subtle kisses on the cheek.

Our relationship as friends was reimagined to lovers.

Something must've possessed me to blurt out the stupid crush I had on them, and I thank whatever drove me to do that. As awkward as I was it doesn't compare to the skip of my heartbeat when they accepted my feelings.

It's been almost a year since I met them, yet I still feel hot whenever they hold my hand, and flush red at every compliment they whisper. I still find myself stuttering sometimes whenever they're showing me a new outfit they've styled.

I love the way they smile, the creases of joy that adorn the outer corner of their eyes, and how they squint with glee and the sweet, melodious laughter that accompanies it; how breathless they sound whilst laughing. The expression they wear when deep in thought fascinates me, even if it's midway through an exam or them simply observing a video Bachira sent them. I adore their late night thoughts they text me at 3 am, the fatigue itching my eyes seem to evaporate when I notice their name on the notification. I treasure the notes we've scrawled on spare sheets of paper, they're still in between the pages of my books.

Even now, they're sleeping soundly in my bed, arms wrapped around the plush I bought them; I keep getting distracted by the sight of them so relaxed, chest rising up and down with each breath.

I would die for them. Because now I don't need to pretend to be invested on my phone to look less lonely. Now, I don't need to put my bag on the seat next to me to make it look like I sit alone by choice. I don't have to persuade the teacher to let me do group projects alone, or have to observe others with jealousy. Someone defends me from disparaging comments.

Because now, I'm not alone.

7:15 am

THE ENTRY COMES TO AN END, AND EMBARASSMENT DUSTS Rin's face a faint tint of pink. His eyes avoid contact with yours— as he waits for your input his latest piece.

"Well? What do you think?"

You're not sure where to start. You've always known about his strained relationship with his older brother, and how his friendship with his teammates wasn't the same in the beginning. But he never explained it in detail; you wouldn't've guessed that he had some sort of chionophobia, or even cried because he felt so secluded from others. The thought of him concealing his tears and pain from the rest of the world made your eyes prickle and sends your heart racing miserably.

"Doesn't matter—" He reaches for the notebook, closing it and tossing it onto his desk. "Forget it, you didn't see anything." He plops backwards again, head hitting the pillow and groaning as he covers his face with his forearm. "It was shit anyways, I'll rip it out and toss it later."

"It wasn't."

Rin stays silent.

You lie down, mimicking his current position and cup his cheeks with your hand. "You'll never be alone again—, I promise you that." Your voice falters ever so slightly, the thought of his pain makes you feel weak in the knees and sick to the stomach. "You're more than enough, you always have and always will be. You don't need anyone's validation to be beautiful, you never did."

Rin sighs, "I'm only like that because of you." Yet something seems to throb in his heart, the small but overpowering part of him that insists he requires another's approval to be important— someone finally proving that wrong.

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, our classmates still loathe me, so do people who barely see or speak to me." There was no lie in that; but it wasn't Rin's fault. "Yoichi and the others only spend time with me because of you."

"I was only the push for them to speak to you, you know they've always cared, they were just too nervous to speak to you. As competitive as he gets, Yoichi really admires you, to the point he gets so heated and ends up rambling about your skills." That's a secret that was supposed to remain in your private messages, but Yoichi doesn't need to know.

Satisfaction momentarily appears on Rin's face at the thought of his rival's great respect, though it doesn't last very long.

"He's my teammate so it's expected... everyone I speak to at school seems to have something against me, even our English teacher." The mistreatment at school is undeniable, it's not exactly bullying but there's no respect or human decency in how people behave towards him.

"Rin, love, you've done nothing wrong, hate isn't always rational. There will always be people who can't stand seeing others more successful, and that's not your fault."

"Really?" His eyes light up; despite having a sophisticated and cold demeanour all the time, he looks like a child again, hope dances in his wide eyes.

"Really." Your fingers take advantage of the opportunity and pinch his cheeks gently. "Don't listen to all those stupid rumours and assumptions, idiot. I'd fight anyone who tries to hurt you and win every time."

When your fingers let go he immediately kisses you, and it leaves you breathless; the way he pulls you in flexes his well toned biceps and his hand supports your head.

"Thank you." Rin whispers, pulling away a bit. "Thank you for appreciating me. Thank you for everything." It's a rare occurrence for him to sound so frail, same goes for the tremble of his bottom lip.

"Of course, I love you more than anything."

"I love you too." It's escorted by a peck on your nose, and a soft expression sculpted on his face.

Before Rin can throw a blanket over the two of you again, you interrupt.

"You shouldn't throw that entry away." You still haven't forgotten his initial intention with it. "I don't get why you think it's shit."

"It's rushed. And it's just me waffling on about my feelings and the past. There's no proofreading, and it's rushed. It's not even complete either."

"That's the whole point of writing, no? It's the expression of our words and thoughts." You reach towards his desk to pick up the notebook. "Not everything has to be written in one sitting, too."

Rin doesn't bother stopping you from looking through the notebook at this point. "It's still stupid. It's just that I had the urge and motivation to write in the dead of night."

"Well. I like it."

Rin's stoic expression crumbles, revealing the bashful side he keeps concealed from the world. "Then that's good enough for me." The red on his cheeks tell you that you've won the argument.

You turn back to the entry page, impressed with his barely legible yet pretty handwriting. "You should've slept instead."

"I don't get tired anyways." He's quickly betrayed by the yawn clawing out of his throat.

"Liar. Why would you stay up writing so late... your sleep is important you know?"

"Because you are love itself. I won't get a wink of sleep if it means I can think and write about you instead." Rin's pulls you in again, tossing his notebook elsewhere as he leans in. "I promise I'll finish that entry, no— I'll write a book about you one day."

"Writing this, writing that, sleep first dumbass." A smile tugs at your lips as you pull Rin back into the position you were cuddling in a few hours ago. Even though you were the one who slept a lot more, fatigue itched your eyes, and a yawn spilled out too.

In response, Rin tosses a blanket over the two of you, whispering good night as you begin to nod off a bit. He should rest too, he has training tomorrow and has to go to the gym as well.

The Itoshi Rin from before would've slept immediately. In fact, he wouldn't've stayed up in the first place, let alone date someone. But the Itoshi Rin now instead stares at you, admiring each and every feature of yours. You're his savior, the luminescent moon irradiating his world, guiding him away from the grasps of solitude and embracing him with love instead.

Tagging: @yuzurins (yumi you inspired this fic btw lol)

© kitorin : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[geddy-leesbian]

Rush lyric prompts

“You sometimes drive me crazy, but I worry about you.”

“I know it makes no difference to what you're going through, but I see the tip of the iceberg, and I worry about you.”

“What am I supposed to say? Where are the words to answer you when you talk that way?”

“Where are the words that will make you see what I believe is true?”

“Though we might have precious little, it's still precious.”

“I'll be around, if you don't let me down.”

“The best we can agree on is it could have been worse.”

“Even though you're going through hell, just keep on going. Let the demons dwell.”

“Take it easy on me now, I'd be there if I could.”

“Forget it, you know I hate to see you cry.”

“Don't turn your back and slam the door on me!”

“Christ, what have you done?”

“I never meant what you're thinking– that is not what I meant at all…”

“I have no heart to lie. I can't pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend.”

“I will choose a path that's clear. I will choose free will.”

“Now I've gained some understanding of the only world that we see. Things that I once dreamed of have become reality.”

“Goodbye, my dear. My ship isn't coming and I just can't pretend.”

“Our future still looks brighter than our past.”

“I can do what you do. You just do it better.”

“Hey now, baby, well, I like your smile. Won't you come and talk to me for a little while?”

“You drive me crazy. Baby, you're the one.”

“All I know is that sometimes you have to be wary of a miracle too good to be true.”

“It seems to me I could live my life a lot better than I think I am.”

The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire

Under northern lights, or a canopy of stars

A lifetime of questions, tears on your cheek. I tasted the answers and my body was weak. For you.

It feels so good to see the smiles of friends who never left your mind when you were far away

Closed for my protection, open to your scorn. Between these two directions, my heart is sometimes torn.

lonely things like nights, I find, end finer with a friend

He's old enough to know what's right, but young enough not to choose it

And the things that he fears are a weapon to be held against him

It's true that love can change us, but never quite enough.

A vague sensation quickens in his young and restless heart, and a bright and nameless vision has him longing to depart

Drinking by the lighthouse, smoking on the pier

Though it's just a memory, some memories last forever

Because he was human, because he had goodness, because he was moral, they called him insane

Delusions of grandeur, visions of splendor

In the betrayal of his love he awakened to face a world of cold reality

How I prayed just to get away, to carry me anywhere– Sometimes the angels punish us by answering our prayers.

Long to slam the front door, drive away into the setting sun

Fly by night away from here, change my life again

A boy alone, and so far from home

Acting well-rehearsed routines, or playing from the heart? It's hard for one to know.

Quiet and pensive, my thoughts apprehensive

[tremendoussteelturtle]

And Hell Followed - A Far Cry 5 x FtM Reader series Part Six

Deputy Y/N Jackson is in the middle of a Holy War in Hope County Montana. Originally sent to arrest Joseph Seed he ended up becoming the leader of the Resistance, but the deputy has a secret. A secret that only Whitehorse knows. When his younger brother and sister show up one day out of the blue, Y/N finds out that his own personal hell has found him. Now with the help of the very people he was supposed to stop can he save his family and himself?

I know this summary sucks.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this slow burn series

Trigger Warnings

Mentions of past child abuse

Mentions of past child SA

Mentions of SA

Stalking

Guns

Drugs

Religion bashing (the Deputy has religious trauma)

Religious trauma

Transphobia

Homophobia

Angst

Tag list

@gamergirl-06 @capriskunk @transpanda07

This part eludes to sex but I suck at writing smut so yeah maybe in a future part.

-------------------------------------------------------

After a few hours, me and Jacob were able to come up with a plan to keep my younger siblings safe, but in order for the plan to work I'd have to talk to Eli and get him on my side.

"Oh and Deputy" Jacob called out to me as I was about to leave.

"Yeah?"

"Go see John later, you two need to talk"

"About what?" I dumbly asked.

"About what happened between you, to be completely honest with you, when I walked in the other night and caught you two about to kiss, I was planning on shooting you right there and then, but I noticed the way John looked at you" he paused for a moment before continuing "I can tell he likes you, he... I just hope you don't hurt him that's all"

"So you're giving me your blessing to be with your little brother?" I asked him leaning against his office door.

"When you put it like that, I guess I am" he said walking towards me "just... do you like him?"

That took me by surprise.

Do I like him?

I hadn't had much time to really think about it, but the more I did the more I realised that yes I did like John. I'd go as far as say I even loved him.

Jacob was looking at me waiting for an answer, his had flexing by his side.

"Guess you could say that, yeah I do like him" I told him with a smile.

"Tell him then, he's been through a lot" he said as he moved me to the side to open the door.

After saying goodbye I left the Veteran's center and headed off towards the Wolf's Den.

••Timeskip••

I finally made my way into the Wolf's den. Eli was sat by the security cameras that were looking over the Whitetail mountains.

"Deputy, good to see you again kid" Eil said, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"Eli I need to talk to you about something, and it needs to be in private" I told him as I placed my radio on the workbench.

After getting another Whitetail to watch the cameras, Eli led me to one of the rooms at the back of the bunker before he closed the door.

"So what did you want to talk about kid?" Eli asked me as he sat down next to me on one of the beds.

"My father is out of prison and now my family is in danger" I told him before taking a deep breath "I've already spoken to Jacob, he's agreed to help me keep them safe but I need your help as well"

"And you trust Jacob Seed, kid I know your scared but you know what he's capable of"

"Of course I know Eli, you think I haven't thought this through, I know the risks involved but I don't know man" I said before breaking down crying, all of the stress finally catching up to me.

Eli awkwardly pulled me into a side hug and let me cry into his shoulder.

"Come on kid talk to me, tell me what's going on"

"I kissed John Seed earlier today, it just happened and now I don't know, I hate the Cult and everything they stand for with a passion, I know what John's done to people but..."

"But you can't help who you fall in love with I know kid" Eli said cutting me off.

"Yeah" I said broken.

We sat in silence for a while before my teas finally stopped flowing. We just sat there.

"Dep, I know what the others are going to say, but I just want you to know that I'm on your side, no matter what, so anything you need me to do I'll do it" he said before he pulled out his radio.

"Jacob Seed, it's Eli Palmer, Dep has just told me everything so let's talk"

"I wasn't expecting you to be on board with this Palmer"

"Yeah, well I am so how about a meeting, you and your family, me and a few Whitetails and Sheriff Whitehorse and Deputy tomorrow at 5pm"

There was a moment of silence before Jacob replied.

"Tomorrow at 5pm"

••Timeskip••

After making sure Elijah and Ava were safe with Nick and Kim, I made my way over to John's.

When he opened the door, I grabbed the collar of his shirt and brought him down for a kiss, his shock wore off and he began kissing me back, strong tattooed arms drew me closer to his body before he started to walk us into his ranch...

••Timeskip after sexy times••

We were laying in his bed, my head against his chest and my fingers tracing the sloth scar. John was drawing random shapes on my back as he looked down at me smiling.

"We are going to hafta talk about this thing between us Dep" he said breaking the silence.

"Y/N"

"What?"

"My name is Y/N"

"Y/N, it suits ya"

"Thanks Cher my mom helped me pick it"

[z-haven]

I feel you linger in the air ep 12 thoughts.

Somehow I ended up watching the cut version of the episode because the uncut version was unlisted. So I did just watch the scenes I missed and then later on I'll watch the entire full version.

But first off, I heard that season 2 is confirmed and this just makes me so happy and seeing Commander Yai in Jom's dream made so much sense because I'm so looking forward to their arc too. But first let me cry about my 1920s Yai and 2023 Jom please because they are literally breaking my heart.

Yai and Jom are connected through dreams and time. A dream would lead Jom to (with Yai's help) frantically dig near a frangipani tree and not find what the dream showed him because it was never his time to find it. Season 2 would hopefully elaborate on the existence of the gold lion designed ring. We know the ring is connected to the other Yai. And remember his words (translated to English) "Jom, listen to me. I may give you this ring so that you'll be reminded that my heart will be only yours forever." A ring placed on his left ring finger and a vow to love him forever. Alright, who's sobbing now?

A quick google search and right at the top of my search page showed that the gold lion ring worn on someone's right hand enhances leadership qualities while on the left increases the protection of the wearer. Jom wears it on his left hand so obviously it signifies him being protected and also loved by Yai.

But in all seriousness I believe that when Jom meets Yai in the other timeline and he receives this ring he will know that the dream he had was meant to come true. But just like he's had the opportunity to experience 1920s Yai's love in real time, so too will he be able to experience 1967's Yai love as well.

But back to the 'current' Yai and Jom. They know what's going on with Jom's fading away and finding ways to come to terms with it and make it easier on each other. Yai will cover all of the mirrors so Jom doesn't have to constantly experience worry over his unusual situation and Jom affirm to Yai through words and touch that he is right here with Yai and that their love anchors them to the present.

Which is why their lovemaking scene felt like it might be their last, or they'll treat every moment like it's their last, like they're holding on to a lifeline. Yai and Jom's tears are a combination of their euphoric feelings during sex and the knowledge that they may never see each other again. But I'd prefer to focus on the euphoric feelings as Jom wraps his arms around Yai.

And Jom, doesn't leave any loose ends unraveling even as he knows that he and Yai may eventually part ways. One of the ways he does this is by letting go of Ohm fully, unknowingly to Khamsaen, by giving him advice about Fong Kaew and the possibility of their future together. A future that has hurt Jom but the fact that he's able to put that 'past' him because he realized that even if someone left a negative impression in your life, there may be some sort of lesson that's learnt from your experience with them. Khamsaen may not fully register Jom's words to him nor will Ohm make the connection to his past life and Jom's involvement but it's a way for Jom himself to let go of all the hurt he experienced with Ohm and focus on Yai, even if they're on limited time.

Pilot scenes are always slightly different either with clothing choices or even setting and personally I don't mind because I'm always surprised by them. Especially since I didn't realize that Yai's little budding artist moment would be the moment Jom isn't just transparent but is literally fading before his very eyes. And what else could they do but hold on to each other, reaffirm their love and Jom's promise to wait for him at the House of Palathip.

Because that house is the focal point for their connection to each other - through time, through dreams and through promises, through Jom and Yai's drawings that connect the past and present and through a letter from Yai that Jom was meant to access after Yai's death, after all these years.

But Yai's here, right in front of him. But how? Did he time travel?Maybe I am reading this wrong. Maybe this is a 2023 version of Yai who knows his past but then he says "I have never left this place." Which made me think that this is still 1920s Yai and that because Yai has penned his love for Jom in that letter, because even drawings can link past to present/future that it acted as a gateway for him and Jom to meet again. Because as they kissed, the scene changes and we're back at the house being the way it was when Yai and Jom spent their time together. Because within that house, they are each other's home.

Edit: (so depending on from whom you reblog whether it's directly through me or through another this may or may not show up). So basically.

We're not sure of a season 2 (Nonkul got my hopes up and there was the after credit scene) but I'm looking at Director Tee with very hopeful eyes "Pretty please"

2023 Yai is Yai Kanthorn - a reincarnation of 1920s Yai who remembers his past. And it makes sense. This is a time travel/reincarnation storyline.

[sylvia0106]

I hugged you in my dream and I couldn't let go it seemed so real that I almost cried. You were still you completely unknown to the fact of what has happened but I liked it I liked that it was as if nothing had ever happened that just like those every other days and months I could act I could only accept that reality that I learned to accept that reality. You know, I know, we know, it's all an act. You care, but why don't u ever care enough? Why didn't you?

Even now as I've left I grieve I still have you somewhere in my head thinking what you must even have thought. Silence is a twisted answer. Silence is never my answer to anyone. Silence isn't obvious or understandable it kills you from inside that's when you know that not only eyes not only how things are written in your face but the words that speak your heart out matter just as much.

I miss it, you felt like me. You picked me up, you were always there giving your hand to me while I was drowning only I'd never take it. You were like a feverish daydream like a cruel summer. The memories I've with you are so close to my heart memories where it was just you and me and nothing else mattered and everything else was just invisible. It was just two disoriented girls talking about life, boys, future and the past too. You made me feel so comfortable with my own self too. That you'll accept me no matter how I feel and no matter how clingy or overemotional I am. Us singing taylor Swifts songs, us listening to your favs and my favs in physics class laughing and vibing together. All the jokes you made how you always had a way made a way to make me laugh. My bed is a remembrance of you, my jacket which was yours is a remembrance of you my pens which were yours is a remembrance of you. Why is it that I leave and it's only I that grieves?

I wish you treated me better. I wish u made enough time for me out of your life. I wish you could be a better friend. I wish you could and still love me the way I did and do. Alas, that's not you but you that I always had in my head that always stopped me. The you in my head which really comforted me so much. The you which I've such great memories with. The you that I started thinking a bit of future with. I'm sorry if I hurt u when I left. One of us had to leave and I could've never be the one wasn't ever supposed to be the one to do so but it was needed. I could've always neglected my own self for you but I couldn't continue to keep doing it. I'm sorry that I was the one to leave first and soon. I didn't expect it to happen in the first place and almost ever. But I finally breathed. I finally had dimples in my smile I finally had calmness in my mind and so much burden lifted off my shoulders. I finally had myself again. It's easy for me to keep choosing you keep choosing others over my own self over my own heart over my own happiness over all of it because I've never mattered to me as much as others have but this time I choose myself I really actually choose myself and I want to and I need to keep choosing myself even stop this stop justifying all of my actions justifying my needs justifying my expectations and justifying even my feelings of hurt because I'm a human too.

Humans heart, humans leave, humans feel, humans cry. I thought I'm always a "supposed to be this, supposed to do this sort of person" but I shouldn't be I'm not supposed to be anyone or and do anything of what people expect from me what people think of me. Sweet good sensitive kind caring people can leave too, can cry too, can get hurt too, can get angry too, can hurt others too. And it's perfectly normal because it's human. And I'm a human too.

As a person that I wanna be now, as the person that has her eyes opened after such a long time that's finally choosing herself and seeing herself in the mirror not afraid or disgusted by her own reflection. I only have compassion to offer to you I've no anger I've no hate and I'm working towards having no guilt towards you. I wish my old self wishes I could still be your friend but my own self now knows that it hurt all these months all these days it ached and it ached so much and I had to still carry it I had to still live with it through it with not you by my side but my own shadows my own demons and my own inner child.

So my dear soulmate, I still love you I still think of you of us I can never forget the memories we have together and I can never hurt u any more or be hurt. Thankyou for giving me such sweet times in my life such sweet memories to always look back too it was genuine and for that I'm extremely grateful

Goodbye.

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Here's a show I've been watching on the side without mentioning. This is Galilei Donna - an A-1 Pictures original anime that I'd literally never heard of and which turned 10 years old while I watched it. I came across it because my friend was watching anime he found using the random button on anidb, this turned up, he reacted to the first episode for a youtube channel we semi-unseriously run, I thought it actually looked kind of awesome, and then I watched the rest of the show myself. So let's talk about it!

Galilei Donna is a cool original action show in which three sisters descended from Galileo Galilei are framed by a multinational corporation and a corrupt police force and are forced on the run, branded as international criminals, and being hunted by said corporation, the law, and even air pirates for good measure. It exists in a setting which seems like a near-future but largely contemporary version of modern day earth, although as the series continues it becomes clear that it's almost better considered a different timeline version of earth altogether, using different energy sources which have resulted in different versions of transport including armoured metal airships which see civilian use (strangely normal cars exist but are all just destroyed and abandoned on the streets?), and also this earth is downright pre-apocalyptic, with the show calling attention to a sort of global freezing suggesting a new fucking ice age. The show's moment-to-moment largely consists of our main characters going from place to place seeking the treasures of Galileo to potentially avert their global energy crisis, all the while escaping from their would-be-captors. And of course during all this we laugh and we cry and we meet new people and say tragic farewells, the characters learn a little bit more about each other and a little bit more about themselves, all that good stuff.

I'd fully say that if all that sounds good to you, then just go and watch the show. The series by and large follows through on the majority of the good you'd expect from that premise, and in terms of sheer fun, yeah it's all there. But here's where we get to the caveats. The buts. The if only this was differents. The biggest and kind of just the main one, plain and simple, is that the show absolutely doesn't have enough time for how ambitious it is. The cast is big, the show has a lot of moving pieces in the plot, there's multiple villain factions, the future of the world is questionable and yet pieces of the past are relevant too, there's a global travel aspect in there, there's a criticism and takedown of capitalism and the elements comprising it, thematically it's going for a lot of stuff, there's just a lot here. And it has 11 episodes to do all of that. 13 episodes would've been a bit more breathing room, ideally it could have an entire additional cour - but the 11 that it's left with is downright suffocating. The show doesn't really attempt to downsize its narrative to fit within the final episode count, so we end up with even main characters having little to no development whatsoever, and majorly significant pieces of the plot happening completely off-screen, only becoming relevant in the final episode, itself a courtroom drama episode of all things? Every single aspect of this series is begging to be fleshed out and explored more and the overwhelming majority of it just isn't given that chance. Eldest sister Hazuki's worldview is majorly challenged only to be relegated to a background gag argument. Middle sister Kazuki is defined by a love interest who doesn't even have a name. Youngest sister Hozuki takes until the semi-final episode to have any development whereby she acknowledges herself as socially out of step with other people despite the events of the rest of the show suggesting otherwise. And that's for the literal main protagonists of the show! Once you move onto supporting there's a major recurring anti-villain into anti-hero whose name I don't even remember the show telling me at any point, I just know it because of MAL! Like all in all this is a show that desperately wishes it could be more, and it just wasn't given that opportunity.

Also this one doesn't fit into the last paragraph anywhere but this show's music is Scooby Doo-core and the tonal whiplash is cracked.

This is one of those shows where I watched it, I liked it, and when it was all said and done I was bummed out that there wasn't more of it. And I think that was probably true of Aniplex as well - whom I am singularly attributing the production of the show to for the sake of brevity, but obviously more companies and people were evolved, yadda yadda, just ignore me. But a quick glance at the series' still-alive website reveals a series attempting to push a solid amount of goods out for a random original series, and a look at the twitter seemingly suggests there was even a life-size statue of Hozuki on display for some Noitamina Shop thing? Which is like, kind of a big deal, to some degree. Certainly this was a show that I have to assume had some pretty heavy marketing push if it's getting stuff like that. And yet for all that, absolutely no western presence or even really awareness of the series, and total blu-ray sales under 1000 volumes. Galilei Donna is a flop, a flop that wanted more and wasn't given it. A flop that several companies wanted to make them a gajillion dollars while themselves not pouring enough resources into the series to let it see its artistic vision through to the end. Maybe. That part's absolutely just speculation and I'd need to do a deeper dive into whatever knowledge of the production is public - although even saying that I have to assume if anything like that exists it's purely in Japanese and I don't speak that language soooooooo

But hey, all in all, if you asked me "how was Galilei Donna?", I'd respond by saying that it was just

[hfjfotjihii]

sentence starters taken from ludo's album "you're awful, i love you"

LOVE ME DEAD.

"High-maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen."

"Kill me romantically."

"You're awful, I love you."

"You suck so passionately."

"You're a parasitic, filthy creature finger-banging my heart."

"You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?"

"You're hideous and sexy."

"How's your new boy? Does he know about me?"

"You're born of a jackal, you're beautiful!" DRUNKEN LAMENT.

"You said "Forever." Tell me, why can't you stay?"

"Say the word and I'll change."

"Tell me "Forever." Tell me you'll come back to stay." PLEASE.

"I'll come back for you, love, I promise to."

"I'll be gone by first light, last chance, hold tight." TOPEKA.

"Do you think you'll get away from the past?"

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." LAKE PONTCHARTRAIN.

"It was the kinda night that makes you think the whole world's goin' to hell."

"That's how it happened, why would I lie?"

"There were no bodies; I've got nothin' to hide." SUCH AS IT ENDS.

"I've been losing sleep for days."

"Into the flames we'll start again, and in the end I'll be with you." MUTINY BELOW.

"But you're here now, can you come in?"

"You made me feel alive again, I wish we'd never met."

"I finally let go and learned to live without you."

"Just one more night."

"I can't hang on, let me go." STREETLIGHTS.

"Against our two rooms, I'll see you tonight." GO-GETTER GREG.

"Hi. You must be new, I guess at least you're new to me."

"Saw you unpacking your car, so I said to myself, "Maybe I should help them out," since we're neighbors now."

"By the way, I live in 207, my name is _____."

"Wherever are my manners? Let me get that heavy box!"

"Didn't mean to sneak up on you there. I looked downstairs and saw you leaving, so what's up?"

"I haven't seen you at the pool since the barbecue. Not that I've been checking."

"Here's the deal, I've got this thing for work this weekend and I was wondering if you don't have anything going on, then maybe-"

"Okay, hey, that's cool, you're busy."

"I've given it some thought and I really think that you could use a guy like me in your life."

"I'll leave it there. Call me back. Call me back." THE HORROR OF OUR LOVE.

"I've murdered half the town, left you love notes on their headstones."

"I'll fill the graveyards until I have you."

"I'm your servant, my immortal."

"There's catastrophe in everything I'm touching."

"You die like angels sing."

"Oh, the horror of our love, never so much blood." SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM.

"Would you ever stop and listen?"

"Would you open up your eyes?"

"Would you scream with me?"

"There's nothing catchy 'bout the life of a saint."

"Say goodnight, goodbye, love. In the morning you will see."

"I'd rip my eyes out for you!"

"It's so dark tonight, I don't know why."

"Would it make you cry?"

"Would you finally see that all your lives are moments?"

"All your words and closeness keep you here and human."

"Do you think they'll ever care?" IN SPACE.

"No celestial body could compare to you."

"I can't wait for gravity to bring you close to me."

"I bet the leaves are changing there again."

"I hope this message finds you and you won't feel so alone, even if I never make it home."

"All I think about is you and me."

"Your picture's all I look at."

[dream-meister-translations]

THE TALE OF FOOD

MOONLIT CONFESSIONS - PART 11

━

The robo-bunny with the core rock installed within it begins to give off a red light. It floats up from the ground effortlessly, as if to fly outside.

TGII : Have you been planning for this moment, Central Collection Guild?

TGII : But this rock is only capable of unleashing its power when placed at the controls of Guanghan Palace.

ROBO BUNNY : That is correct. Unless...I modify my body to become the core control panel of Guanghan Palace.

TGII : !!!

ROBO BUNNY : This rock has a name. It is called the core stone. My understanding of it is far deeper than yours.

TGII : What do you...Want?

ROBO BUNNY : Seek me out at midday. TG Alpha II, I have never viewed you with any enmity.

-

MASTER : Do you really mean to go alone? It's too dangerous.

OSMANTHUS WINE : I do not mind hiding in the shadows and rendering aid to the deity when I must.

MOON CAKE : ...

YIPIN POT : I'd recommend that you recreate a brand new system of Guanghan mechanisms, rather than meeting that spooky rabbit on your own. Use Master's soul power to drive it and cause it to disintegrate.

TGII : I'm sorry to have made you all worry.

TGII : I've remembered many parts of my past...But I still can't remember when I met the robo-bunny or what we did...

TGII : The missing thing on my chest, the damaged memory component, the insignia that's been slashed out on my arm...

TGII : I have many questions that I must ask it in person.

MASTER : But...!

He leans over and ruffles my hair with his icy hand.

TGII : You have a task to perform right now.

TGII : There is a crying little hero over there...Will you help me return a full moon to him?

With a wave of his hand, he summons his portable robot crab mount.

TGII : Protect them, Unnatural.

We stare at him in silence, unable to express the maelstrom of emotions swirling in our hearts. I hesitate for a second before quickly thrusting something into TGII's hand.

TGII : !!!

The cold light that glimmers from his hand has taken on a golden speck. It is a crescent-shaped sliver of orange peel.

MASTER : This...Is what I use as an amulet for good fortune.

MASTER : Maybe I've been the Master of Kongsang for too long and it's become an occupational hazard. When I first saw you, I thought of a dish recorded in the pages of 'Simple Foods of the Mountain Folk.'

MASTER : Haha, a dish is the strangest way to praise a person I can think of.

MASTER : Anyway, if you ever get the chance, come to Kongsang, I'll treat you to it! You...Must come back safe and sound.

TGII : Very well. You'll have to make it for me when I return.

MASTER : ...?!

-

Illuminated by the cool glow of the moonlight is a white rabbit.

ROBO BUNNY : You're here. They've awaited your arrival for a long time.

Surprised, TGII looks sideways to find all of the robo-bunnies from Guanghan Palace gathered. They fill the slopes of the hill and the plains, their movements unsettling in their perfect coordination.

ROBO BUNNY : Look.

All of the rabbits mimic the movements of the robo-bunny. From left to right, right to left. None are spared from this wave of robots dashing.

It's chest glows, as though a core heart that commands this world of machines beats within it.

TGII : How did you...Manage to do it?

ROBO BUNNY : You made it, not me. How did YOU manage to do it?

ROBO BUNNY : You are the creator of this realm. Everything in Guanghan Palace was always yours to command.

ROBO BUNNY : I merely borrowed your glamor. Once you're back, we can build an immortal realm meant only for machines.

TGII : Aren't you worried about the Micians? They've already sent Yipin Pot to investigate. There'll be more of them in the future.

ROBO BUNNY : Looks like you've forgotten how talented you were as a mechanist.

ROBO BUNNY : Guanghan Palace has both offensive and defensive capabilities...No, it would be more fitting to say that it is a moving fortress of terror.

ROBO BUNNY : Strapped to the underbelly of this planet are numerous mechanical flint shells. They will explode with enough force to destroy Kongsang five times over.

TGII : !!!

TGII : No, this isn't what I want.

ROBO BUNNY : Want? You're a heartless creature, what desires could you possibly have?

TGII : ...! That rock...Is the heart missing from my chest, just as I thought.

The robo-bunny walks towards him, its mellow male tenor both persuasive and melancholic with despair.

ROBO BUNNY : TG Alpha II, you have been changed too much by your time with these people. I prefer you as you were before.

ROBO BUNNY : Hngh!

Just as it presses close to TGII, the amulet hanging on his breast throws off a steady light, striking it down!

TGII : You're too dangerous.

TGII : Tell me, who exactly are you?

A wickedly sharp blade is hairs away from the conductor wiring that links the robo-bunny to the hub. But this action only elicits a fit of merry laughter from it.

ROBO BUNNY : Hahahahaha, that you would wear a human accessory.

ROBO BUNNY : Very well, do it. Let me see if you can truly kill your creator with your own hands?

The clouds disperse to reveal the moonbeams streaming down upon the robo-bunny. It also bears a slashed insignia, with a line of barely legible tiny text below it.

"TG Alpha I."

[aendromedal]

some thoughts i want to get down about "could you ever imagine yourself falling in love with a woman like me?"

it's not a question that i necessarily pose to one person in particular, though it is addressed to him as well.

similarly, the entire poem itself is not necessarily about one person either; or, more specifically, i wasn't thinking about just one person when i was, particularly, finishing the poem.

that last line—"even in our next life, i will keep you alive"—is definitely an ode to another similar line i've said in the past—"you will never die here"—in that i will never forget even a single person who's left their mark on me, and thus keep them alive, but it's also homage to my old best friend from a decade ago.

i don't want to share too many details publicly, but she and i were in really bad mental places back then, and i was actively suicidal at the time. as horrible as it probably was for our longterm mental healths, we were each other's lifelines; in her staying alive, she kept me alive, and in my staying alive, i kept her alive.

again, i'd rather not get into any of the details, but even with how things ended, i would do it all over again if i could, even if nothing changed. i would do anything i could to keep her alive again, and again, and again, and again, in every single life.

despite how not okay i was back then, there's a part of me that really misses those days of snapping each other back and forth, calling after the school day was over, watching anime and let's play videos and movies together, ranting, laughing, crying—sharing our lives with one another. we were each other's number ones, the first person we would go to about anything. it felt so easy to not have to pretend to be anyone else with her.

i've been searching for that kind of connection ever since.

to be so overtly and deliberately chosen and loved has been a very rare experience for me; it's almost always been that i'm second-, third-, forth-, fifth-, sixth-best to someone else. it's why i ask whether anyone could imagine themselves falling in love with me—i don't quite believe anyone will, or even can. but, as a friend's message had me reflecting, i have hope that someone can, because if i didn't have hope then i would have nothing, though i don't think i could ever not have hope. the future is too unknown, too unpredictable, too fluid, too dynamic, too constantly changing to be so certain that no one will ever fall in love with me, or to be so certain about anything else for that matter.

as i see it, there's always room for hope, even if it is naive, even if it might be fruitless in the end. hope propels us forward into the unknown, where the weight of uncertainty would otherwise be too heavy and crush us, leaving us forever where we are; hope propels us forward, towards the other side, where something so wonderful, so much so that we can't even imagine it, waits patiently for us.

we wouldn't be able to meet our destiny without hope, i believe.

[wallabywannabe]

After the election I looked up what it would take to become a medical lab scientist in France, just as a coping exercise. Decided fairly quickly it would be too much to pursue and I want to stay anyway for my family and to at least contribute to making the US better.

These past two weeks though, I have not been strong. I've been depressed and sad and useless. I considered scaling back on classes, which would mean taking longer than the year and a half I have left to finish this degree. And then I thought, if I'm taking longer anyway, why not do the 3 years of school in France that I would need to get the equivalent job over there? If I could get into a program, a residency permit would not look too difficult to get. Citizenship after a few years of school and a few of work would look pretty doable. My French is good enough. I technically could conceivably do it.

My response to everything vs the response of people around me has shown me that I'm really not built the same. I'm not resilient or can't compartmentalize or something. I shut down and obsess. And I'm not directly affected yet. Just knowing that bad things are happening shuts me down. And I hate that so much, because being afraid and demoralized and depressed is exactly the worst way to handle any of this.

So that's what's changed my tune since November. I think, maybe it is too much to ask of myself to stay in this country, considering how poorly I react. Maybe being selfish would be the correct action. Now would be the time to do it, when I own relatively few things and just have myself and a couple of cats.

But while it's a little energizing to look at the steps I would have to take, and think, ok, with a bit of work, I think I could handle this; I also don't think I would be doing it for the right reasons. If it truly was the best option for my mental health, I think I would. But I think I'd just be doing it to run away from my mental health, like I have every time I've changed jobs or schools. And that has never solved anything.

I do crave the challenge of living in a foreign country. Despite taking a lot of French at a young age for no real reason, I have no connections and only visited once for 10 days 18 years ago. I still think I could do it and do well. I think I would like it. I know France has a growing neonazi party as well, but at least France exists in the structure of the european union and I think it would take more to break the government there. I wouldn't be there for my niece and nephew growing up, and that would be the biggest drawback. But I'd be no use to them if I stay how I currently am here anyway.

But at the moment, am I mostly tempted because applying to French schools and uprooting my entire life sounds easier than emailing my professors tomorrow and saying "sorry I didn't attend class this past 2 weeks, but I will be back on Monday and would like to meet with you to see if I can work to make up a portion of my missed assignments if possible" ? Yeah, that's exactly what I felt for half an hour. Which is ridiculous and not a good reason to move to France.

So I won't be doing that. It will really suck if I can't get psych meds in the future, but considering I've never found an antidepressant that actually made a noticeable difference, maybe that doesn't actually matter.

Really wish I didn't have this predisposition to make my life so much harder than it needs to be. Really wish I could be the responsible and reliable person I was once upon a time. Wish the effort I spent as an 8 year old learning a perfect Parisian accent could be useful for more than impressing a waiter once. But none of those wishes are true, at least not today. So I've got to figure out a way through by gritting my teeth and facing some unpleasant feelings head on instead. And just like, accept that I'm going to cry in front of people because I cannot stop crying lately and that will just have to be that.

[midnight--sadness]

(same ask as the one i hced gihun with schizophrenia)

wrrhhh... its obviously not gonna be that visible plus we never knew his like everyday life of trying to find the salesman and trying to track him down and the process of it.. but i feel like its more auditory hallucinations?.. with how much trauma he has gotten from the first sg and absolutely feels the need to stop the games so more winners in the future also wont go absolutely insane is like.. wow how has he not already killed himself he absolutely lost everyone. his mom for his own mom she loved gihun but couldnt stand with him gambling and throwing his entire fortune and her money away.. plus she thought he was out gambling and left her when she was quite literally on her death bed and gihun just came home thinking he made it in time to save his mom when really his mom died and witnessed her dead body.. goodness that scene of him trying to think she wasnt dead or just trying to go to sleep thinking its all a dream wrapping his arm around her.. infact this 'dream' just might be a nightmare.. i really wonder how different his life wouldve been if he didnt go back the second time

and with how the auditory hallucinations happen maybe he still hears sangwoos voice taunting him saying stuff like "if you werent my friend. i wouldve killed you a long time ago" and also his mom maybe saying some things like "where were you the past 6-7 days? were you gambling?! you are such a dissapointment.. always out there doing something vulgar! and you werent even there when i died, how could you? i considered you as a son." sometimes even gunshots or the glass shattering from the glass stepping game. plus from sae byeok getting that glass shard in her womb and not telling gihun. theres so much that has probably impacted on gihun (in my world) and still has everyday nightmares.. like the dream of the frontman showing up with sangwoos and sae byeoks head.. its still crazy that he misses sae byeok and resents sangwoo for killing her even tho what sangwoo said to gihun was true.. he did ended his pain faster. but immediately forgave him and wanted to go home?? LIKE WHAT. hes seriously so strong for keeping his shit up like hes barely phased on the outside when inside hes so clearly broken apart still trying to find his remaining puzzle pieces from what shook him down and completely traumitized him.. schizophrenia and PTSD.. but probably with ptsd they would need something absolutely brain shocking to remind his first time here.. like finding another woman in his team that he in his mind thinks that thats his daughter/resembles her in a way like sae byeok!! his character is so interesting.. and hard to understand.. i also think he has a bunch of pills for his visionary hallucinations to stop and auditory to temporarily stop aswell bros just so shooken up i need him happy and in a cozy cottage with no problems at all with 2 cats and away from the cruel society he once thought had good in

lol you can tell i have a lot of thoughts about the guy hope this kinda cleared up about your questions about me hcing gihun with schizophrenia!!

although i dont know that much about schizophrenia but still know enough it can leave you crying or mental breakdowns (lol need to research more about this topic im probably wrong) i still stand with my gihun with auditory schizophrenia hc..

thank u so much for sending an explanation!! i was just curious bc i'd never seen anyone headcanoning gihun as schizephrenic!

i def agree that gihun is incredibly strong and persistent!! him joining the games for a secong time is so amazing to me but i don't think i would be able to do it... he's essentially traumatizing himself again

honestly i can see him having visual and auditory hallucinations, and he does take unknown medication that mr kim brings him so that could also work for your hc!!