#crying for the past that has left and the future i never thought i'd have

[vrgssmncht]

Throwback to my eleventh grade self who wrote about two gay-ass grad students who loves hiking becoming conservation scientists and slowly falling in love and then agreed to live together in the woods.. I even inserted a Queen song ref at the end on an angsty car ride- the gayest thing I ever wrote. I wrote it for creative writing assignment in my strict Islamic school's english class.. ah I really thought it was soooo discreetly implied and sooo subtext nobody would ever think it's a gayass story. But thinking about it back, damn, my teacher probably goes live slug reaction on the first paragraph of reading that hahah.

[mythicmanuscripts]

So, what are your thoughts about Aemond and reader’s first time, considering all his past experiences with the brothel and all (I don’t know if that too vague, if it is, I’ll try to be more specific next time haha)

I love this question! Also, I don't think this is too vague but thank you for checking!! For future reference and also for everyone else, if you had just asked for something like "write Aemond and reader sleeping together" or "write Aemond x reader smut" then I'd say there's not enough to go on. Hope that makes sense!!

Anyway, NSFW sub!aemond below the cut :))

This ask is in reference to the brothel scene where Aemond admits that Aegon essentially forced him to sleep with a sex worker when he had just turned 13.

I'm sure I've babbled on about what I'm about to say before but oh well here we go again: I think that a big part of Aemond's discomfort with the sex worker wasnt just because he was being forced to lose his virginity but because of how utterly exposed he felt? We all know how closed off and composed Aemond always tries to be, and we know he has plenty of insecurities both from his missing eye and from being the second son. The concept of sex as a whole had always felt uncomfortable and far too vulnerable. To lay completely naked with another? Aemond couldnt imagine a scenario where that wouldnt feel terrifying.

And then he turns 13 and Aegon shoves him into a brothel and all his worst fears are confirmed. The sex worker's eyes shamelessly travel across his body and he has to fight the urge to wrap a blanket around himself. The lights are too harsh, he can hear other people having sex outside the room. r

When he leaves there he's convinced he'll never lay with another again. He even decides that he'd let his future wife fuck the first blond hair man they can find and call the resulting child his heir because he couldnt bring himself to be the exposed again.

But then Alicent introduces him to you and you throw a rather large wrench in his plans because you don't do any of those things that left him feeling exposed?

Even before the wedding, you're always checking his boundaries and ensuring you abide by them. If he seems uncomfortable you step away and you ask. And beyond that, you form a real, genuine bond with him that he's never had with anyone before never mind with a romantic partner.

The truth is that Aemond just really loves being around you? He doesn't even notice his walls beginning to crumble because he just feels so safe with you. For the first time he's not constantly having to prove himself.

You're shocked by how different he is to how everyone else had warned you he'd be. You don't see an ounce of the danger and dominance so many others had warned you off, hell even his own mother warned you of. But those traits have always been due to a fight for survival, due to him having to come out on top or risk being ridiculed or worse.

So when you come along and you make it so that he doesn't have to fight for love and respect and recognition? Then all that violence and anger slips away because he doesn't need it here.

You start out VERY slow.

Aemond can best be described as almost skittish when it comes to sex and intimacy. He likes it, but the moment something moves just slightly too quickly he's jumping up and going to hide in his own private chambers.

The first time you kiss him after the wedding, he very nearly starts crying because you just kiss him so gently with absolutely no indication of wanting to go any further than that. Aemond realises he could happily spend hours like that, with the two of you laying together and trading soft kisses.

He tells you about the sex worker eventually, maybe Aegon actually makes a comment about it? Like a few weeks into the marriage Aegon decides to tease Aemond and ask him if he still goes back to his first or if he's actually fucking his wife. (Aegon promptly sprints out the room immediately after saying this because the look in your eyes when you turned to look at him was absolutely terrifying)

So he opens up about the sex worker with you, and he full on sobs when you say he deserved better and that he deserved to feel safe, that sex should always feel safe.

From then, you put a lot of time and effort into ensuring that your chambers together becomes that warm, safe place aemond was missing. You only approve 3 servants who are allowed into your chambers with Aemond, and only 2 are allowed in at a time. No servants can come into the chambers unprompted either. If you want the sheets cleaned or the laundry taken to be washed, then you will call one of the 3 approved servants but servants are not allowed to do those things on their own, only when you request it.

Once that's been sorted you start getting the rooms themselves into a better state. You keep candles all over the walls, get the softest blankets and pillows you can. Maybe you also get some of his favourite books to put up? It's a slow, gradual change but Aemond notices every single change and every time his breath it taken away at how perfect you are. He never even had to explain how vulnerable he was the first time, you just knew and you knew how to make him feel comfortable.

The actual sex takes longer of course, and there's plenty of oral and makeup sessions before he's ready for more, but when you do get to the main event he can't believe how good he feels?

The way you praise him and check in on him brings tears to his eyes, and when you gently wrap a blanket around his shoulders while you stroke him he really does cry. Just that simple gesture of putting the blanket over him makes him feel so much less exposed.

Sex is always a calm, quiet affair with Aemond. Make no mistake, you certainly get edge him and overstimulate him and all that fun stuff, but that's never with standard sex. If you're doing those other things then you're either pegging him or using your hands/mouth. The actual act of sex, that is always gentle. It's the gentleness that really breaks him.

(One quick sidenote to end off: cockwarming, how the flying fuck have we never discussed it? I'm now now picturing a scene where it's the first time you go the whole nine yards, but then from the moment Aemond slowly enters you, he just stays still? At first you think he's trying to get used to the feeling but when even more time has passed and he still hasn't moved, you ask him that's going on and that's when he kinda just collapses into your, his cock still inside and mumbles about how nice this feels. So needless to say, actual sex was not achieved that day)

[kitorin]

journal.

in which, itoshi rin's midnight writing exposes what he's kept concealed from you.

contents. itoshi rin x reader, 2.878 k words, fluff, angst (in the past), itoshi backstory spoilers (mixed with a few headcanons), 1st person rin pov for a bit (journal entry), regular highschool au

a/n. is this my best? no. but is it the best i have for today? yes. happy birthday to rin <3 after assignments are done i'll definitely rewrite this (i gave up on proofreading)

10 / 09 / 2023 : SUNDAY, 12:04 am - 3:21 am

Solitude has never been a foreigner.

In fact, he's quite a familiar individual, an old companion that never seems to leave.

Even before Nii chan left for Spain, solitude was still there for me. During class I wouldn't utter a word to anyone else unless necessary, and contrariwise for said classmates. People still spoke to me; just not to the extent that they'd know what my favourite foods were, or what I liked to watch in my free time, not even bothering with it. I've never been invited to hang out with anyone after school, or been to someone else's house (not that I particularly cared, I was just sure that I was the only one).

But I was okay with it. I didn't want, or need anyone else when Nii chan bought me ice blocks, giving me the bigger piece as we'd watch the sun's warm hues bleed into the sky; the saccharine iciness contrasting how warm is was to be swallowed by sunlight together. Dad took us fishing a lot, he's always been well acquainted with the sea, taking us to locations well populated by bream; my favourite. On our way home we'd harvest kelp (Nii chan likes it in rice, salted) and take photos together on our yacht, admiring how the sun greets the world farewell, sinking into the aquamarine. Mum makes amazing food, I'm constantly astonished at how she manages to memorise every preference, from my love for ochazuke to being able to pour the perfect amount of tea; the rice never becomes too soggy (even I can't pour the exact amount I like). Solitude was close to me, but my family were closer.

There's a lot I could say about them, they've done more than remember what I love and ensuring I was happy; I'm thankful they've delivered the right for me to be comforted, to have a shoulder to cry on, to be able to freely ramble on about whatever fascinated me.

I've always been happy, even if I'm alone outside of the walls I call home. Because whether I laughed my heart out or sobbed to the point I couldn't form a coherent sentence, I'd always come home running to my family. Nothing can beat dinner; where we all relish mum's food, ask each other about our days' and offer solace or advice when necessary.

I miss that. Terribly, to the point my heart aches.

I knew that Nii chan's departure to Europe (Spain, to be exact) would change a lot. I'd have to score without his guidance, walk home alone and buy my own popsicles. Dinner time would have one less soul to laugh with, and home would have one less to embrace.

I just never expected it to be painful change. I never predicted that his return would result in losing us entirely. I didn't think his homecoming would cause my immortal resentment towards the snow, or how my eyes prickle a bit at the mere thought of an ice block. I'd say it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, separation from him following it on the list of my worst experiences.

Solitude avoided me at home, but wasn't enough.

One time on the way home, I was overhearing the team's conversations (nothing particularly new really) and it was a discussion about the future. It was honestly surprising to find out only some of us intended to become soccer players; Nagi would rather stream or compete in professional gaming, Kurona wants to study marine biology in uni, and Yukimiya wants to give acting a go along with his modelling career. Even Isagi has a plan for if professional soccer isn't an option. He said he wanted to help others achieve their dreams if he fails to do so himself.

I remained silent as always, but had a lot more thoughts racing through my mind. Retreating to my room immediately that night, my first thought was to lie in bed, to neglect the clips I planned to analyse, to ignore muscle training for today and to slack off a bit. That's when I realized how sad the life I was living. I was sad because I was reminded of my reality.

I'm a mere myriad of distinguished achievements, though a hideous attempt of replicating genius Itoshi Sae. I'm a collection of formidable accomplishments, basking in the spotlight of glory and honour. The trophies and awards adorning my room prove it, standing tall with pride and flaunting my hard work.

That didn't mean anything. I had remained in a constant cycle of training, eating, and sleeping. My teammates were just as ambitious yet still worked hard on other things; Yukimiya enjoys modelling and Reo has a passion for economics, That must've been where I was lacking.

That's how I ended up writing again. It was an attempt to break out of this cyclical torture of constant training and sports.

I don't know how I remembered it, but I found my notebook from primary, all the stories messily scrawled yet legible. Scarlet adorned narratives birthed from child-like imagination, eulogising the prose, even though I almost flinched out of embarrassment.

Flipping through the pages, I had found the paragraph my teacher left me, insisting that I keep writing. Obviously, I never did. After getting into soccer I ignored everything school related, and would've found words on a page foolish anyways.

Many years later, I finally followed that advice.

The end result wasn't pretty. I paused a lot, struggled a lot, and almost gave up, a lot. It may have been hideous, but it was mine. A piece birthed from curiosity and memories from the past turned into another attempt. Another attempt morphed into extensive reading, I wanted to observe what was considered worthwhile or meaningless.

Writing rewove the early nights into late night reading, fully immersed in the author's thoughts translated into prose. Reading was the push to giving academics a go. Academics pulled me out of the endless cycle of soccer, there was more to life than training and diet regulation.

Books I can read. Words I can write. Exams I can study for and sports I can practice. Weights I can lift and competitions I can train for.

But to be loved, is so difficult.

It's not like an exam that you can study for and simply memorise the answers to. Or a match that has the security of a referee and reinforced rules. It's not something that can be guaranteed with a mentor.

People treat Isagi to his favourite whenever he has a bad day (he likes kintsuba). People advocate their favourite novels to Yukimiya and Chigiri, even going as far as memorising their preferences to curate their recommendations flawlessly. It must be nice, for someone to invest that sort of effort in you, even if it's simply remembering a hobby.

As my peers savoured the allure of love, estrangement and desolation constantly haunted me; a pest habituating the sleepless nights where I try to escape with a cup of coffee that's long gone cold.

It's lukewarm, praying for another's attention, care and love, to be hungry for one's time. I pathetically plead whoever manipulating my fate to provide me some sort of human connection. I shouldn't be so hopeful of others, yet I find myself dying of curiosity; what would it be like for someone to remember my birthday? Or tell me about the horror movie they adored?

I despise solitude's clinginess. But I hate how it makes me sob endlessly when no one watches.

I have myself. I have my thoughts which I've transcribed to oeuvre. I have the pile of books resting on my bedside table which sleep alongside with me. I have the trophies and awards I've won, I'll always appreciate my own talent and diligence, even if playing soccer brought me so much pain.

I think I'm somewhat pretty. I find my prominent eyelashes special to me, it's something unique to both me and Nii chan. My physique isn't too bad, either. I like the way my legs look, and my shoulders as I dry my hair.

I've always been proud of myself. I've always been enough and I always will be. Just not for others.

That's why I never expected my bond with solitude to be severed so easily. Especially because of y/n out of all people.

I still don't get how it happened. The oblivion to their presence became a peculiar first impression. An odd first meeting turned into abrupt yet regular greetings amidst hallways. Soon, I was sitting with them in every class, passing notes during tedious lessons and discussing our favourite media on the bus ride home.

Before I knew it, passionate rambles about books turned into watching movies together in my room. Whenever they greeted me their friendly wave was replaced with a tight hug, passing notes in class were accompanied with subtle kisses on the cheek.

Our relationship as friends was reimagined to lovers.

Something must've possessed me to blurt out the stupid crush I had on them, and I thank whatever drove me to do that. As awkward as I was it doesn't compare to the skip of my heartbeat when they accepted my feelings.

It's been almost a year since I met them, yet I still feel hot whenever they hold my hand, and flush red at every compliment they whisper. I still find myself stuttering sometimes whenever they're showing me a new outfit they've styled.

I love the way they smile, the creases of joy that adorn the outer corner of their eyes, and how they squint with glee and the sweet, melodious laughter that accompanies it; how breathless they sound whilst laughing. The expression they wear when deep in thought fascinates me, even if it's midway through an exam or them simply observing a video Bachira sent them. I adore their late night thoughts they text me at 3 am, the fatigue itching my eyes seem to evaporate when I notice their name on the notification. I treasure the notes we've scrawled on spare sheets of paper, they're still in between the pages of my books.

Even now, they're sleeping soundly in my bed, arms wrapped around the plush I bought them; I keep getting distracted by the sight of them so relaxed, chest rising up and down with each breath.

I would die for them. Because now I don't need to pretend to be invested on my phone to look less lonely. Now, I don't need to put my bag on the seat next to me to make it look like I sit alone by choice. I don't have to persuade the teacher to let me do group projects alone, or have to observe others with jealousy. Someone defends me from disparaging comments.

Because now, I'm not alone.

7:15 am

THE ENTRY COMES TO AN END, AND EMBARASSMENT DUSTS Rin's face a faint tint of pink. His eyes avoid contact with yours— as he waits for your input his latest piece.

"Well? What do you think?"

You're not sure where to start. You've always known about his strained relationship with his older brother, and how his friendship with his teammates wasn't the same in the beginning. But he never explained it in detail; you wouldn't've guessed that he had some sort of chionophobia, or even cried because he felt so secluded from others. The thought of him concealing his tears and pain from the rest of the world made your eyes prickle and sends your heart racing miserably.

"Doesn't matter—" He reaches for the notebook, closing it and tossing it onto his desk. "Forget it, you didn't see anything." He plops backwards again, head hitting the pillow and groaning as he covers his face with his forearm. "It was shit anyways, I'll rip it out and toss it later."

"It wasn't."

Rin stays silent.

You lie down, mimicking his current position and cup his cheeks with your hand. "You'll never be alone again—, I promise you that." Your voice falters ever so slightly, the thought of his pain makes you feel weak in the knees and sick to the stomach. "You're more than enough, you always have and always will be. You don't need anyone's validation to be beautiful, you never did."

Rin sighs, "I'm only like that because of you." Yet something seems to throb in his heart, the small but overpowering part of him that insists he requires another's approval to be important— someone finally proving that wrong.

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, our classmates still loathe me, so do people who barely see or speak to me." There was no lie in that; but it wasn't Rin's fault. "Yoichi and the others only spend time with me because of you."

"I was only the push for them to speak to you, you know they've always cared, they were just too nervous to speak to you. As competitive as he gets, Yoichi really admires you, to the point he gets so heated and ends up rambling about your skills." That's a secret that was supposed to remain in your private messages, but Yoichi doesn't need to know.

Satisfaction momentarily appears on Rin's face at the thought of his rival's great respect, though it doesn't last very long.

"He's my teammate so it's expected... everyone I speak to at school seems to have something against me, even our English teacher." The mistreatment at school is undeniable, it's not exactly bullying but there's no respect or human decency in how people behave towards him.

"Rin, love, you've done nothing wrong, hate isn't always rational. There will always be people who can't stand seeing others more successful, and that's not your fault."

"Really?" His eyes light up; despite having a sophisticated and cold demeanour all the time, he looks like a child again, hope dances in his wide eyes.

"Really." Your fingers take advantage of the opportunity and pinch his cheeks gently. "Don't listen to all those stupid rumours and assumptions, idiot. I'd fight anyone who tries to hurt you and win every time."

When your fingers let go he immediately kisses you, and it leaves you breathless; the way he pulls you in flexes his well toned biceps and his hand supports your head.

"Thank you." Rin whispers, pulling away a bit. "Thank you for appreciating me. Thank you for everything." It's a rare occurrence for him to sound so frail, same goes for the tremble of his bottom lip.

"Of course, I love you more than anything."

"I love you too." It's escorted by a peck on your nose, and a soft expression sculpted on his face.

Before Rin can throw a blanket over the two of you again, you interrupt.

"You shouldn't throw that entry away." You still haven't forgotten his initial intention with it. "I don't get why you think it's shit."

"It's rushed. And it's just me waffling on about my feelings and the past. There's no proofreading, and it's rushed. It's not even complete either."

"That's the whole point of writing, no? It's the expression of our words and thoughts." You reach towards his desk to pick up the notebook. "Not everything has to be written in one sitting, too."

Rin doesn't bother stopping you from looking through the notebook at this point. "It's still stupid. It's just that I had the urge and motivation to write in the dead of night."

"Well. I like it."

Rin's stoic expression crumbles, revealing the bashful side he keeps concealed from the world. "Then that's good enough for me." The red on his cheeks tell you that you've won the argument.

You turn back to the entry page, impressed with his barely legible yet pretty handwriting. "You should've slept instead."

"I don't get tired anyways." He's quickly betrayed by the yawn clawing out of his throat.

"Liar. Why would you stay up writing so late... your sleep is important you know?"

"Because you are love itself. I won't get a wink of sleep if it means I can think and write about you instead." Rin's pulls you in again, tossing his notebook elsewhere as he leans in. "I promise I'll finish that entry, no— I'll write a book about you one day."

"Writing this, writing that, sleep first dumbass." A smile tugs at your lips as you pull Rin back into the position you were cuddling in a few hours ago. Even though you were the one who slept a lot more, fatigue itched your eyes, and a yawn spilled out too.

In response, Rin tosses a blanket over the two of you, whispering good night as you begin to nod off a bit. He should rest too, he has training tomorrow and has to go to the gym as well.

The Itoshi Rin from before would've slept immediately. In fact, he wouldn't've stayed up in the first place, let alone date someone. But the Itoshi Rin now instead stares at you, admiring each and every feature of yours. You're his savior, the luminescent moon irradiating his world, guiding him away from the grasps of solitude and embracing him with love instead.

Tagging: @yuzurins (yumi you inspired this fic btw lol)

© kitorin : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[viktoriaashleyyx]

This is a pro Tamlin, anti Rhysand self insert revenge fic. All characters belong to SJM, but she wasn't treating them right. Tam x reader, Tam x Rhysands Sister (OC), First person narrative. This will also reference Elucien and Neris in the future but we aren't there yet.

We are headed to the House of Wind to confront RhySAnd and we see more of Sky's past as she taunts RhySAnd with it.

Tw: Discusses RhySAnds SA of Feyre UTM, magical violence.

((Thank you for being patient with me. Moving sucks, but things are starting to settle down now))

Ch 1

Ch 6 >> Ch 8

Chapter 7:

Today is the day we were heading to the House of Wind. I had sent a letter to Rhysand offering to meet him, that Tamlin will join me, it took him a few days to respond. Lucien was back on his feet feeling good as new.

After putting on one of my dresses, I sat at the vanity as Tamlin braided my hair, he was getting better at it. This has become almost a morning ritual for us. Brushing and braiding each other's hair as we discuss what's on our mind. Today we were both silent, we didn't want to do this, but at least we will be together.

When we were both ready we joined Lucien in the dining hall for breakfast.

“I almost want to go with you, just to see the look on Rhysands face as I walk in there unscathed.” Lucien admitted.

“I'd rather see the hate in Feyres eyes when I tell her you're dead by Rhysands hand,” I teased.

Lucien chuckled, Tamlin wasn't amused.

“You could go in disguise.” I joked, “have Tamlin turn you into a Raven and perch on my shoulder if you're so nosey.”

“Don't tempt me with a good time.” Lucien was going with it.

“No,” Tamlin huffed.

“Please, imagine how badass I would look walking in with a raven on my shoulder.” I whined. Still teasing, trying to lighten my nerves.

“I'm okay with that.” Lucien shrugged. Tamlin just groaned.

♡♡♡♡♡

“No, not a red raven, they're gonna recognize him. A normal raven.” I ordered.

“I can't believe we are actually doing this.” Tamlin sighed.

♡♡♡♡♡♡

I portaled us to the door of the House of Wind, held Tamlins hand, and knocked. He was nervous, he had never been to Velaris before, but, thanks to my brother, the secrecy of this city has faltered.

“There's my baby sister! Can I finally get that hug?” Rhysand tried to embrace me and I put my hand on his chest pushing him back.

“I don't like to be touched.” I said dryly. “See how easy it was for me to show up on the OUTSIDE of your house and KNOCK?” I judged. “Show us to where we are having this meeting.”

“So bossy,” Rhysand teased, “you're not even the slightest bit happy to see me?”

He led us to a large sitting room, Tamlin and I sat on one couch, well, I perched on the edge, (how do the other illyrians sit here comfortably?) Rhysand and Feyre on the other, with who I assume to be, Feyre's sister and either Cassian or Azriel, I couldn't remember, the one with long hair, sitting in the corner, obviously eavesdropping. “Why would I be happy to see you? The last time you threw Lucien's dead body at me.”

Rhysands face dropped, he expected me to be more subtle. Feyre's face lined with shock as tears welled up in her eyes. “What? What is she talking about, Rhysand? You told me he left to stay at the Spring court.”

“Well? It was obviously a cry for attention, now you have it. What do you want from me?” I said coldly, cutting her off.

“I just want you home, where you belong.” Rhysand said, annoyed that he will surely have to weave another lie to Feyre later.

“I am where I belong. Is that all? You just want another prisoner to add to your collection?” I noticed Feyres sisters' ears perk up. She had no walls built up to protect her mind, odd for someone living in a house with daemati.

“You wouldn't be a prisoner.” Rhysand snapped.

I laughed, “no one generally chooses to stay in your company, brother.” Feyre still had pain on her face, lost in thought and trying to hold it together just long enough to finish the meeting. Hmm, it seems she might still have a heart after all.

“I would just like to show you around Velaris, catch up and show you what I've accomplished in the past years.” Rhysand admitted, trying, and failing, to stay collected.

“Velaris has always been perfect and protected, as done by our grandfather. If you want to impress me, show me how you have improved the lives of the people in the Hewn city and illyria.” Velaris citizens were safe, well cared for and ruled justly. Illyria has been used as my family's own personal warrior farm, and the Hewn City citizens trapped since long before I was born. “Tell me, do the majority of Illyrian citizens still live in tents?”

“We are doing our best in illyria. It's not as easy as you think.” Rhysand replied with a slight hint of attitude. He wasn't used to someone calling him out on his fallacies.

“Huh, I would believe that 500 years is plenty of time for the most powerful high lord.” I said mockingly. He loved to spit that phrase unto himself, a gross display of arrogance was all it ever was. “Tell me, how many mansions do you have now?”

“Six,” Feyre whispered, deep in thought, she seemed like she also had not heard anyone question him.

“Gross.” I replied bluntly. “Mother isn't going to be happy to hear about this.”

“Mom is alive?” Rhysand gasped, a light flickered in his eyes, Feyres jaw dropped slightly, the other Illyrian stared at me. “Where is she?”

“She lives amongst the warrior women of Brokilon, a forest warded well against anyone who wishes it or its inhabitants harm. I don't mind telling you this because there is absolutely no way for you to get there without my help. It's located in an entirely different realm. I needed divine intervention to return, something you would never be able to hack.” Every eye was on me, as they tried to make sense of it. “Our sister and I visit her regularly, she doesn't ask about you much.”

“Sister?” Rhysand seemed to finally be speechless. That last line stung.

“Yes, Yennefer. Half human, half Illyrian. She is an insanely powerful mage. She looks like us, violet eyes, black hair, but no wings. She had a slightly easier time in that realm considering they kill ‘Pointy ears’ on sight there. Think of what I would look like masquerading as a human, and that's her.”

“A mage?” Feyre questioned.

“Yes, in that realm magic is pulled from many sources, not just the earth, and they use that magic to.. mutate(?) humans into immortals. Thats where I learned the portals.”

“How did you and mother get there? How did you survive?” Rhysand pressed. I am not going to lie, I am enjoying the attention.

“When Tamlins father raised his blade to strike me,” I gripped Tamlins hand, I didn't blame him for breaking when the information of my location was tortured out of him. “I panicked. I held mother tight and reached out for any escape, and when I opened my eyes, we were in a forest I had never seen before. An Ash forest. I learned later that the power I grasped was chaos, not the power of the land.”

“Don't forget it was Tamlin who had you killed. He locked Feyre up and he hurt her.” Rhysand spit.

“He didn't ‘have me killed’ if I am currently sitting here, Rhysand. Mother and I are both alive, that is more than I can say for my predecessor, the last Lady of Spring” I retorted with a too sweet smile. While we hadn't exactly made it official, how could we with an empty court, this is the first time I have claimed that title. I wanted to turn to see Tamlins reaction, but I didn't want to lead on how significant this was to the others in the room. Tamlin showed his approval by softly moving his thumb over the back of my hand.

“And fair, yes, both Tamlin and Feyre made mistakes, that is not my place to comment on. Keep in mind, though, WE are the ones that wanted to stay away. You drug us here. Tamlin apologized, she didn't accept, and since then he has mostly kept to his own court. You and your brutes are the ones that keep going to him. Tell me, did you ever apologize to Feyre for what you did to her under the mountain?” I could see out of the corner of my eye, Feyres sister was shocked. She obviously didn't know what all the other High lords and courts witnessed. Rhysand and Feyres eyes both narrowed at me.

“If there is anything that is not your place to bring up-” Rhysand started.

“You did it so publicly,” I cut him off, “all the other High lords in Prythia became unwilling participants to your weird exhibitionst kink. You even admitted you did it to hurt Tamlin.”

“What did he do?” Feyres sister demanded through clenched teeth.

“Nothing Nesta. Mind your business.” Feyre snapped.

“He drugged her, and made her the nightly entertainment for all the courts under the mountain as she was stripped naked and forced to dance for him. If you knew she was your mate, why would you treat her that way?” Directed to Rhysand, then back to Feyre, “why cant your older sister know? Everyone else in Prythia does.”

“He did it to protect me.”

“Is that what he told you? You deserve better, babygirl.”

Rhysand was losing control. Both Lucien and Tamlin had the metal shields up that protected them from Rhysands daemati powers. So what does any self centered brat do when they are losing control? They change the subject, hoping to garner favor.

“I still remember you, bowed down kissing my boot and begging,” Rhysand taunted Tamlin.

I heard him take a deep breath, Lucien's talons gripped into my shoulder and I tried not to flinch at the pain. I retorted quickly, “what for? Oh that's right, it was to convince you to not sell Feyre out to Amarantha. Or should I say ‘Claire.’ Right? I wonder if your love for your mate is strong enough to entice you to do the same, dear brother.” Feyre began to choke.

Nesta was angry, confused, trying to process everything she just heard. Shock lined the Illyrian males face too, he hadn't heard either.

“Let her go.” Rhysand snarled at me, unmoving. His eyes void of any emotion.

“Ah, ah,” I sang, pointing a finger down to my boot. “You know what I want.”

“I will never bow to you,”

“Quickly, she's fading fast.”

Nesta cried out and bowed herself. The illyrian brute holding her back, Rhysand remained still, not breaking eye contact. I sent a message to her mind, Feyre will not die, I promise.

“Enough, Sky.” Tamlin growled at me.

I released my grip on her lungs and she took a heavy breath, fear, anger and confusion in her eyes.

“Let it be known, Feyre, that your ‘mate’ wouldn't even move a muscle to save you, but Tamlin questioned even me.” I said to her softly. “It seems you have a lot to think about.”

“Let's go,” Tamlin hissed at me. Uh oh, I am in trouble. I opened a portal home and we left.

♡♡♡♡♡

“We don't hurt people, Sky, that's not who we are.” Tamlin was angry. He shifted Lucien back to normal.

“I was in full control the entire time, I was not going to let her die,” my response was cold.

“I thought it was great,” Lucien muttered, eyes wide, but not meeting ours.

“If you are jealous of her–” Tamlin accused.

“JEALOUS? of her?” I cut him off and raised my voice, “I am angry with her. I do not give half a fuck who you had in your bed while I was gone, Tamlin, what I do care about is her destruction of my court. You, and her, were so incredibly toxic together it ended with entire cities burnt to ash, my people lost their homes because you two couldn't talk to each other. That is where my frustration starts and ends. My people, families, children, entire lives uprooted and destroyed. People shouldn't have to suffer because their leader is going through a break up. Childish nonsense caused me to return home to an abandoned court..” my voice softened, ever so slightly, “you are doing the work to rebuild and correct your mistakes while she is gallivanting around the night court like the sun shines out of her ass. She shows no remorse, no empathy for the people she destroyed. I cannot express how little I care that you enjoyed the taste of her.”

His stance softened and he whispered “I'm sorry, Sky.”

“Don't ever question where my loyalties lie, again.” I spit. Lucien reached a hand out to me, and I turned and stormed off to compose myself.

♡♡♡♡♡

I found myself outside my old gallery, a room I have dreamed of returning to for 300 years, I opened the door and creeped in.

It was obvious that others have used this, Tamlin admitted as much, admitted that Feyre would paint in here. I carefully studied the art laid out around the room, the paints and brushes strung out and left to dry. I felt a twinge in my chest, was it jealousy? No, I didn't seriously expect an entire room left empty for so long, did I?

And then I found hers. Much simpler art than the realism I painted in, lots of abstract splotches and lines, and crudely drawn pictures. It was beautiful in its own right, obviously done while she was a human. A human. Turned Fae, after the atrocities of Amarantha. Still a child by Fae years, forced into Prythia, forced into marriage after marriage. I know as well as anyone what a prison a crown truly is, her youth, her freedom, stolen from her by tradition, power, and lust. I had been treating her as the High Lady she chose to be, I wonder if that decision was made with her properly informed consent, or just pushed on her by my brother.

♡♡♡♡

An hour or so later, I headed out to find Tamlin. My head was clear now and we needed to talk.

He was in his study, hunched over his desk, head in his hands. It was dark now, the moonlight was the only thing illuminating the room. “Tam?” I creaked the door open and entered slowly. He didn't respond.

I walked over to him and laid a gentle hand on his back. “My love,” I whispered, “can we talk? I'm sorry I blew up today.” He slid his chair out and pulled me onto his lap, holding me in his arms as I nestled my head in his neck.

“I love you, I am sorry I upset you.” Tamlin whispered. “I just didn't expect that today. I shouldn't have accused you. I don't, honestly, think that low of you, I was just angry.”

“I shouldn't have hurt her like that. I used her to shut my brother up the same way he used Lucien. Tensions were high today. I wanted to just stay away but my brother is so spoiled he can't take no for an answer. I'm sorry, I understand that seeing her in pain is not easy for you.” He just held me tighter, and I kissed his neck.

“I don't like leaving Spring.” Tamlin admitted quietly, “It just makes me feel sick every second I am outside my borders.”

“You're gonna have to pick one,” my voice soft and sweet, “either you swallow your worry, or your unease. I need to be able to leave if we are going to rebuild.” I lifted my hand to caress his cheek, slowly brushing his golden hair behind his ear. He laid a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“So, Lady of Spring, huh?” He smiled sweetly down at me, I sat up and turned slightly to look him in the face. “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” I breathed leaning in closer, our lips almost touching, “unless you object?”

He pulled me in closer and kissed me deeply, “I would never object to that.”

Tag list: @ladythornofrivia @rcarbo1 @rin-u-pos @knoxic @lilah-asteria @littlefantasylover

[kaedahana]

the great war.

art by @ izeichan on Twitter

late night thought; have you ever missed someone you don't... know? i do. yes, inspired by the great war by T.S <3

CHARACTER : Kaedehara Kazuha - Reader

fluff? angst?

-UNEDITED-

You and Kazuha have never been happier to spend your whole spring and summer together until that one night.

ART NOT MINE

It was summer when Kazuha and you shared a long kiss under the vast night sky. The leaves were lively green and crickets were playing both of you a lullaby. Every day that summer you wished on every star that your name and his are etched together forever in the ether. Laying on the soft blanket that you made over the spring season as you stare into each other’s eyes. Mesmerized by one another. You can see eternity in his eyes. You closed your eyes, fingers intertwined with his. You thanked the archons to be blessed with this moment. Kazuha is in your arms, safe and sound.

But of course, fate plays a cruel game and flips your whole world in a matter of days. Standing in the doorway Kazuha looked at you grimly, as he held the letter crushing it and letting it fall onto the floor.

"You can't go," you whispered. Your being brimming with resentment, sadness and fear. They threaten to take over your body and wreck everything.

"I have to, they're calling me."

"You can't go!" you run a frustrated comb through your hair with your fingers, biting your lip trying not to cry. Looking away, hoping and hoping that this is all just a dream. That when the morning comes, you're gonna wake up to Kazuha lovingly kissing you. Spinning you in his arms. There’s no war to fight in. No bloodshed. No fear.

"I have no choice"

You walked to him, "What about me? You're going to leave me behind? You expect me to be okay?!" you shouted unable to hold it any longer, you fell to his legs and broke down. You sobbed harder when you can feel the never ending tears trailing down your face. You hugged his legs and begged for your future together.

"Darling, please don't. I-I can't live like this" you said between sobs, struggling to catch your breath.

Kazuha squat down to your level and embraced you. His heartbeat speaking to you in words he can't muster.

He only held a pinkie finger. linking it with yours. He brought your head close to his heart, hearing it go faster and louder. He kissed the crown of your head, smoothing your hair with his hand.

"I'll be back, it's a promise dear. I'll fight for you, I'll live for you and if I have to… I'd die for you"

Slowly the same green vibrant leaves turned into shades of red and orange as autumn rolls around. You stared at the maple orange leaf that landed on your hand, tracing the outlines of it. Your mind goes back to Kazuha, missing the pillow soft feeling of his lips, his slightly red cheeks, and the eyes that you love. You feel an unpleasant feeling in your stomach and continue to walk around the festival so you could distract yourself. Anything to get rid of the thoughts that maybe… he's gone.

"Darling!" a voice shouted from behind you.

Immediately, you looked back. Disappointment fills you up when you didn’t see him. You run a hand across your face, missing him terribly now. The poems. The teasing. The cute names he calls you. Him.

You recalled the last letter you got from him a month ago;

My dove,

I hope this letter finds you well. You've been on my mind and never left. You're the only shining star I need in this dark world, your glow is enough to illuminate my whole world .This room is silent but I can still hear your enchanting laugh. I close my eyes yet all I see is you my darling. I'm sorry it has to be this way, I miss you a lot. I would do anything in my power to close this dreadful gap of ours and be in your arms. The fate that brings people together is not a cord so easily cut. I love you with my whole heart, soul and mind.

-yours.

Children rushed past you with huge grins across their faces, daughters and sons dancing in the streets, lanterns illuminating the path ahead of you as darkness falls into the world. Even with people around you, you feel more lonely than ever.

You walked to the forestry area, shivering as the breeze blows past you. You stuffed your hands into the pockets of your coat. You find yourself humming the song Kazuha hummed the day he comforted you when he got the letter that took him away to war.

You spotted a pond away from the town and decided to dip your legs into the water.

The water was cold and the fishes were glowing in vibrant colours. Leaves swaying across the water. Your eyes stuck to the reflection of the moon in the water. Then you talked to the stars.

“Where are you? Are you safe? What did you eat? Today... the lantern festival in town is nothing without you. I need you back, please.” you pleaded with your whole heart, wringing every bit of hope into wishes.

Then warmth wrapped you up from behind, pulling you into a comforting embrace. The scent you inhaled, it’s ever so familiar it relaxes your body

“Just as I promised, darling” a voice whispered into your ear. Your heart going fast, is this a dream?

You turned your head and there he is, Kazuha. Your star-crossed lover. Your forever. Your eternity and beyond.

Tears spilt from your eyes as you squealed and wrapped your arms around his torso. He laughed wholeheartedly as both of you fell onto the ground with you on top of him. You took in the view of your lover. Handsome as ever with his abdomen tightly wrapped in bandages while his hanten hangs loosely on his shoulder. He offered you a reassuring smile.

"Am I going crazy or are you here?" You asked unable to believe that he's here. You can feel his warm breath fanning your cheeks. You can feel his soft skin against yours. You can hear his heart beating, yearning for yours. You lay beside him, resting your head on his bandaged arm. "Are you okay?" you whispered. He just nods, staring at you with so much love and bliss.

"You're beautiful," he said under his breath before pressing his lips against yours. His lips... soft on yours as he gently places his hands on your waist pulling you closer to his body. You glide your hands across his bare chest, letting it travel freely over his abs. He tugged on your hair as you withdraw to catch your breath. He hovered on top of you with his arms trapping you. He inhaled your scent from your neck and sighed in contentment.

"I almost forgot what you feel like" 

He raised his eyebrow at this, his eyes averting to your lips.

"Then let me remind you again"

So yes, fate is a cruel game but you couldn't care less because your destiny is him and with him is your destination.

[farfromstrange]

Matilda | Matt Murdock x Reader

Masterlist

Summary: You left your past behind to start a new life, but the road continues to be rocky even years after getting out of your hometown.

Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, talk about childhood trauma, emotionally absent father, daddy issues (not the sexy kind), crying, not proof-read

Word Count: 2k

A/n: Since I saw this song live for the third time ever and I cried my eyes out because lately, I relate a little too much to this song, I thought I'd use my interpretation of it to channel some emotions. You don't have to read it, do with it as you will, but I think some of you might see yourself in this little fic too and it might help you too, maybe even give you some hope for the future. If you get the chance and haven't already, give that beautiful song a listen!

You’re happy. Two words you never thought you would use in the same sentence or context, but it’s true; You are happy. You’ve abandoned the small town you were born and moved to New York City. You have a well-paying job, one that you’re happy with. You’ve pursued your dreams, the dreams so many people have tried telling you not to pursue. You have managed to move out and on and start a life that’s made for you, not the people around you. You’re living for yourself, finally. And then there’s him, Matt Murdock, the man of your dreams. You’ve been dating for two years and although you’ve had your ups and down, you have never been more in love. He’s taught you that you don’t have to please everyone and that your life belongs to you, no one can tell you otherwise. He’s taught you what safety and stability can look like, and he’s taught you how it feels like to be loved and to love someone as unconditionally as you love him. He’s helped you find yourself and you are forever grateful for that. 

When you came to New York, you were broken and looking for an escape. You struggled to get back on your feet after falling out with your family, with your father especially, and you just wanted to forget that your life before ever existed. You truly believed you were broken beyond repair. Most of your relationships in the past had failed and you came to realize that the problem was your choice of men. You didn’t know how to trust someone else, you either got too attached or too afraid of commitment, and that fear carried into all parts of your life to the point you considered crawling back home on your knees and begging for forgiveness for something you didn’t even do. The wounds from your childhood were deep, and you weren’t sure how to heal something that ended up having such a huge impact on you. 

But then Matt came into your life. One day, you were having coffee at your local Starbucks when he walked in. He bumped into you, hitting you with his cane. You remember apologizing profusely, but he told you, “You’re good, it’s not your fault.” He bought you another coffee to replace the one you spilled and you’ve been inseparable since then. 

When he first learned about your family history, he wasn’t surprised. Your tendency to apologize for everything, your fear of loud voices, and the fear of failure that you displayed whenever things weren’t going your way told him everything he needed to know. Although when you told him how deep your wounds truly run, he could only wrap his arms around you and promise you that you were going to be okay. And he was right. 

You got better. You learned how to deal with your past. You’ve got yourself a man who loves you unconditionally and he has been nothing but supportive since. You’ve built a new life for yourself and you’re still growing. Things are going well. It’s the kind of optimism you never fathomed possibly as a child. 

Back then, you lived to please your father and to support your mother after he left, and when he started a new family, blaming yourself for not being good enough became the standard. You grew up thinking everything that went wrong was your fault and that if you had just done better, he wouldn’t have left and started a new family. A family he still treats better than he ever treated you, and while your mom moved on, you grew up trying to fix everything and everyone around you but yourself, and it broke you. That was ultimately the reason why you chose to leave, and you forced yourself not to look back. You don’t want to be the same broken little girl anymore. You’re a grown woman now and your new life offers something your past lacked - love. 

Though when your father called the other day and asked you to join them for family dinner while he is in town, your past turned around to bite you in the ass. 

The door finally falls shut behind you, shielding you from the outside world. The entire evening was spent being forced to watch how much better your father and his new family are doing and it has broken something inside of you that you had spent years trying to fix. You played along, confrontation not being your strong suit, but you had never wished to leave a table so soon. 

Matt looks up from his spot on the couch, one headphone in his ear as he is towered over several case files. You don’t want to bother him while he’s working, but there is nothing you coil slip past him, especially not when you’re already close to tears. He’s told you before, “If something’s wrong or you’re not feeling well, I want you to tell me, no matter what time of day it is or how busy I am. You can talk to me.” You’ve often felt like a burden before, considering he had to teach you so many things you missed as a child, but learning how to ask for help or simply seek comfort without feeling guilty has by far been your greatest challenge that persists up to this day. 

When he hears the change in your breathing and your racing heartbeat, he slowly gets up. “What’s wrong?” he asks softly. 

It’s not the kind of question that should hit you as hard, but it does. And when he opens his mouth to ask again, “Are you okay?” It is game over. 

The first tear slides down your cheek as you press yourself against the door, your eyes directed toward the ceiling. You try to blink away the tsunami that is about to hit, but the sobs are already standing close by, waiting for their moment to shine. 

You hate that, after all this time, your father still has the same power over you, and that you still don’t know better than to let his behavior and his words cut way too close to home. You let his ignorant self break your heart time and time again because even now, the hope that he will find something worth putting effort into you and rekindle your relationship is still a dying flame inside your withering soul. It’s a flower that never truly dies, and it hurts you time and time again. Matt knows that. He hates that you do, but there is nothing that he understands more than craving the attention and love of the parent that has failed to do so before. 

“Sweetheart,” his voice is suddenly so close and when you glance to your left, he is standing there, his arms wide open. 

You shake your head. It’s too much. What you need, you can’t have. 

“Come here,” he says. 

You don’t want to, but at the same time, you do. Your feet carry you over, your body doing the talking your mouth fails to do. The way your shoulders slack tell him parts of the story. 

You fall into his arms, your tears flowing freely now. They stain his dress shirt, but he doesn’t mind. He holds you close to him, rubbing your back, and your sobs vibrate off his shoulder. 

“I hate him,” you manage to choke out. 

He nods. “I know.”

“I fucking hate him!"

“I know, sweetheart. Let it out. You can let it go.”

And so you do. He is your haven, your sanctuary, and you are too tired to fight. 

You remember learning how to ride your bike as a child and accidentally hurting your knee. Like any other child, you cried. Your father told you that it’s no big deal, to push through and move on. That much, you understood and you still do, but he told you the same thing every time you cried. Crying was considered a weakness. Part of you still believes it, which is why you hardly ever cry in front of anyone. As a child, it had never felt especially alarming, but as you grew older, you started to realize how twisted it was to connect emotions to weakness. They’re not. Matt taught you as much, as have all the other new people in your life, your friends, your chosen family. Still, it’s a part of you that you can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard you try. 

Letting it go had never seemed like a possibility before until you met Matt and started anew. On days like today though, you tend to forget, and he has to pick up the pieces of your heart your father has shattered only an hour prior. 

No matter how many times you say that you’re okay with the pain he caused, there will always be a part of you that feels dead inside whenever you think about it, a part that yearns for the childhood you never got to have, and a part that is angry at everything and everyone even though you promised yourself to always be kind, and you try to do so. But sometimes, it’s hard, and Matt knows how hard it is because he is familiar with the feeling of anger. 

He slowly pulls away from the hug to hold your face in his hands. “Whatever he said to you, don’t let it get to you,” he tells you, “because he doesn’t get to have that power over you.”

You sniffle. “It hurts,” you say.

“I know it does, but that’s why you have to let it go. Them, him, all of it.”

“Every time I try, he manages to come back into my life. It’s like I can’t escape him. I just don’t want to go back to where I was before.”

“You don’t have to,” he says and strokes your cheeks. “You’re home with me, right where you belong, and you’re going to be okay.”

Matt lowers his forehead against yours and you close your eyes, inhaling his signature scent and feeling his warmth fill your body with serenity and a sense of safety. You feel less alone in his arms. 

He presses his lips to your forehead before moving on to your lips. “I love you.”

You muster a weak, “I love you too.”

“It’s okay to move on, sweetheart.” He always knows what to say, you have noticed. He speaks from his soul right into yours, and in his arms, you don’t doubt it. You don’t doubt him. You believe him. “You already did, and it’s okay to not want to be confronted with the past again. The next time he wants to talk, just say no. Family is who you feel comfortable with, who you feel loved by, and you don’t feel loved by him,” he says. “Or do you?”

“No,” you whimper. His perception of love is twisted and you have never truly felt loved by him. 

“Then he and his new family are not worth it. You don’t deserve this, you deserve better, and you deserve to be loved.” 

“Why is it so hard to let it go even though it hurts so much?” You swallow a broken sob. “I just don’t understand…”

“It’s a phenomenon hardly anyone understands, but you’re not alone. Not anymore. I’ve got you and I won’t ever let you go, so I’ll help you the same way I always have, okay?” The scars are fresh and Matt tries not to abuse them too hard. He gently tugs you toward the couch and sets you down next to him, pulling you into his chest. 

You curl into him, seeking his love and comfort like a scared little kitten. “I’m sorry,” you say. 

Matt shakes his head, running his fingers through your hair. “You don’t have to be sorry, I just want you to be okay.”

You shudder. 

“You don’t have to be sorry,” he says, “especially not for turning your back on them and doing it on your own.”

And he's right - you don't have to be sorry, and you refuse to be any longer. In his arms, you're finally safe, and you refuse to let the man who ruined your childhood ruin your new life too. Because you deserve happiness, and you don't want to lose it again, whatever it takes.

[geddy-leesbian]

Rush lyric prompts

“You sometimes drive me crazy, but I worry about you.”

“I know it makes no difference to what you're going through, but I see the tip of the iceberg, and I worry about you.”

“What am I supposed to say? Where are the words to answer you when you talk that way?”

“Where are the words that will make you see what I believe is true?”

“Though we might have precious little, it's still precious.”

“I'll be around, if you don't let me down.”

“The best we can agree on is it could have been worse.”

“Even though you're going through hell, just keep on going. Let the demons dwell.”

“Take it easy on me now, I'd be there if I could.”

“Forget it, you know I hate to see you cry.”

“Don't turn your back and slam the door on me!”

“Christ, what have you done?”

“I never meant what you're thinking– that is not what I meant at all…”

“I have no heart to lie. I can't pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend.”

“I will choose a path that's clear. I will choose free will.”

“Now I've gained some understanding of the only world that we see. Things that I once dreamed of have become reality.”

“Goodbye, my dear. My ship isn't coming and I just can't pretend.”

“Our future still looks brighter than our past.”

“I can do what you do. You just do it better.”

“Hey now, baby, well, I like your smile. Won't you come and talk to me for a little while?”

“You drive me crazy. Baby, you're the one.”

“All I know is that sometimes you have to be wary of a miracle too good to be true.”

“It seems to me I could live my life a lot better than I think I am.”

The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire

Under northern lights, or a canopy of stars

A lifetime of questions, tears on your cheek. I tasted the answers and my body was weak. For you.

It feels so good to see the smiles of friends who never left your mind when you were far away

Closed for my protection, open to your scorn. Between these two directions, my heart is sometimes torn.

lonely things like nights, I find, end finer with a friend

He's old enough to know what's right, but young enough not to choose it

And the things that he fears are a weapon to be held against him

It's true that love can change us, but never quite enough.

A vague sensation quickens in his young and restless heart, and a bright and nameless vision has him longing to depart

Drinking by the lighthouse, smoking on the pier

Though it's just a memory, some memories last forever

Because he was human, because he had goodness, because he was moral, they called him insane

Delusions of grandeur, visions of splendor

In the betrayal of his love he awakened to face a world of cold reality

How I prayed just to get away, to carry me anywhere– Sometimes the angels punish us by answering our prayers.

Long to slam the front door, drive away into the setting sun

Fly by night away from here, change my life again

A boy alone, and so far from home

Acting well-rehearsed routines, or playing from the heart? It's hard for one to know.

Quiet and pensive, my thoughts apprehensive

[shinsouscatpisssmell]

Other woman

Pt.2

"Hey you there?!I-I'm pregnant." You sniffle into the phone. Eyes red and swollen from crying since you came home from the doctors' appointment. The one person who held your heart. The father of your future child was dead silent on the other end making the pit of anxiety that was in your stomach grow bigger. It makes your mind drift as you subconsciously rub your stomach.

To think it all started with just a few words.

"Hey you lost?" You look up at the the dark haired male who's hand is on your shoulder. Shaking you out of your thoughts.

"No, I just came looking for my friend. You might know him. He's name is Atsumu Miya? I'm trying to surprise him but I can't seem to find him." You place the picnic basket down and crack your back and hands from the heavy basket.

"You just missed him. He left like 5 minutes ago." You could feel his eye roll even though his face remained stoic as he huffed barely for you to hear it.

"Are ya serious? Imma kill that 'samu. Always givin' me the wrong information." you storm off to the double doors and tap your foot with heat to it pressing your phone against your ear.

" 'samu? Imma kill ya when i see ya just so you know. What do ya mean what do i mean? 'tsumu isnt here! Ya said they would still be practicin'. Im breakin all yer windows. What? Hes there? Ok ill see ya in 5. Better keep yer lips shut tight so this surprise aint spoiled. And fuck no my accent aint slippin." you press the end bottom and take a few breathes in and our before making you way over to the fox like man.

"thank you i found him. You can keep the basket...?" You pause for a name while handing him the brown woven basket.

"Rintaro. Suna rintaro" he said as he takes the basket from you making you smile.

"well rintaro. Suna rintaro. I better be going before I miss him again. I hope we cross paths again." Letting out giggles as you scamper away leaving the brown haired boy craving your presence more.

And more is what you gave.

It started when he asked for your name and number when you came with Osamu to one of his games. Looking so pretty in your jeans hugging your curves and cropped shirt. Soon becoming an inside joke between you two that pressed the boundaries of friendship and turned it into one of lovers.

"you're so beautiful (y/n). I want to marry you one day." he makes this promise under the moonlight laying kisses om your hands and rubbing your knuckles so tenderly like you were only his. Only meant to fit this two person sized puzzle.

It was two months later you started feeling sick. Throwing up with your tummy cramping from here to here and feeling like you would pass out. You waited to see blood appear due to it possibly just being the chance of your first day period cramps. It never showed up and a week past the day it was scheduled to start it never did.

This made you rush to the hospital with your two best friends in tow. asking the doctor if you had some sort of zombie disease making you throw up everything you eat.  He takes some of your blood and urine to test.

It seemed like hours before the test were done.

"all im sayin' is why did he have to take both yer blood and piss. Hes either a vampire or he has a piss kink.maybe both" atsumu comes up with his conspiracy theory as he gets smacked in the back of the head by osamu.

"He aint got no damn piss kink and he aint a vampire. Yer the reason why (y/n) asked that stupid ass question about zombie diseases." He clicks his tongue before going back to holding your hand rubbing it to calm you down.

"Well 'smau. Ya never know?! They're some real sickos out there that wants to get ahold of someone like , (y/n)'s, piss." He rubs the back of his head, "speakin of piss where'd Suna piss off too?"

"He hasn't been picking up my calls. I know he goes M.i.a sometimes but I'd rather have him here then piss kink boy." You laugh snuggling into Osamu's side as he makes you scoot over so he could sit on the bed with you.

"Watch. He's gonna come in here talkin only about your blood and it'll show yer doctor does indeed have a piss kink." He turns his nose upward and hmphs.

"C'mon and cuddle me 'tsumu. I need my piss hair friend to cuddle me with comfort." Osamu joining with you in laughing as his twin begrudgingly comes over grumbling.

There's 3 knocks on the door before you announce that they may enters. The doctor with the clipboard and a packet of stapled paper with material that clued to her side.

"We did some test on your blood and you're urine and congratulations ms.(l/n) you are pregnant." It felt like time stopped. The twins could feel you tense up.Atsumu coughing up a storm after swallowing his saliva the wrong way but still trying to comfort you while Osamu listened to what else the doctor said, " this is a packet of information on pregnancy. It contains what can and cannot be eaten,Exercises that would help , and trimester information. Right now she is still in first trimester and needs to be very careful with things and stress for they could be harmful to the babies."

"what about a-abortion?" you look at her with watery eyes as she look at your dishevled apperance.

"that is an option ms.(l/n). Take your time and consider it over and if you still want to go through it. We will set up a date when you come back." The doctor hands over the document and leaves the room.

You wait until she leaves to turn into a sobbing mess leaving stains onto Astumu's shirt who pats your back.

"cmon now (y/n). Ya heard the doc crying ain't good for you or the baby." you sniffle and dry your face letting the disgusted face of Atsumu make you laugh quietly.

"Are you gonna tell suna? He is the father right?" samu asked getting swatted by his twin.

"of cours' hes the father you tryna say my best friend hussy?"

"no you idiot. Im sayin' suna aint always around so maybe she looked for other people."

"yer calling her a hussy dumbass."

"piss hair."

"yer onigiri sucks."

And thats how you end up calling suna 12 times since you came back home. Silently crying as each time it went to voicemail was a stab in the gut while the knife twisted. You gave up after the 12th one just laying next to your phone bawling your eyes out until 30 minutes pass and you recieved a call for suna.

"Suna? Hey you there?" you called into the phone but only met with silence, "h-hey you there? I-im pregnant suna. I don't know what to do im ao scared. Please come over." you cry into the phone breathe hitching as you are met with a feminine voice.

"What's your name?" you could hear the crack in the female voice.

"my name is (y/n). Are you suna's friend? I-is he there?" you ask scarily heart pumping with adrenaline waiting for her awnser and soon flatlining when she gave it.

"I'm his wife of 2 yrs." she says and you stutter out a sorry and cry to her that you didn't know he was married.

"It's ok ,love. It's not your fault I put all the blame on him. W-would you meet me later this week? So we both can get some closure." You could hear her tears fall making your heart clench as you tell her yes. She hung up as soon as you could hear Suna in the background.

Now you where curled up with a pillow. Sitting alone with the thoughts of you were the home wrecker. The mistress. The other woman in suna's

An// this is a reupload 🫡

[chained-sweater]

୨୧ dear diary

— a/n : i said i'd post my fics on here. i kept my word.

— characters : darrel "darry" curtis jr., sodapop "soda" curtis, ponyboy "pony" curtis (mentioned), steve randle (mentioned)

— timeline : several years post-canon

— warnings !! : swearing (just one), angst, implied mental health issues, implied suicide

— chapters : 1/1

— words : 655

dear diary?

dear journal?

dear future me?

future me?

yeah, that sounds about right. anyways, i don't know why i'm doing this. i mean, i saw ponyboy doing it himself. he told me that writing in a journal helps keep him organized and composed of his thoughts. or something along the lines of that, i'm not sure.

like i said, i'm not sure what provoked me to do this: write in a journal. i normally don't do this. i usually just bury my feelings deep inside until i can no longer hold them in and explode into a mental breakdown. it's just...i don't know..it's...strange. yeah, strange is the best way to put it.

i know i'm supposed to write for an extended period of time, but my hand is cramping already. having bookkeeping as your second job when you already work in construction takes a toll on you. i suppose i could take a break and finish writing later.

see you, stranger.

— darry?

— past you

* * *

future me,

hey, it's me again, your past self. i know i said i'd write again after a small break, but i completely forgot. two months ago. (oops.) i guess that's what happens when you toss things away carelessly into your jungle of a closet.

but...yeah. i guess i have an excuse though. ponyboy left for college a while ago. i miss him, i think. i don't know. the night before he was supposed to leave, we got into an argument. it was our worst. we were screaming at each other so loud steve could hear us all the way from his house. ponyboy had tossed his luggage into his car and said he never wanted to see me again. sodapop was still crying after he left. ran off to his room. i feel bad. neither of us are entirely over it, but soda's getting better. i'm not. i got nightmares about our argument, ponyboy leaving. it got to the point where, by some miracle, the gang scrounged up enough money to send me to therapy. that's why i couldn't write in this. (well, it was mainly because i was stressed at the time and cared less about finding a stupid journal i wrote in a long time ago.)

ah, i got too carried away there. maybe this is good for me—writing down how i feel and getting my thoughts out. it's working, i guess.

i'll write some more another day. let's hope it's not in another two months.

— past you

* * *

i need to keep this out in my line of sight to keep up with my entries. it's been almost a year since i last wrote in this thing. so much for me promising to not have such huge time gaps here, huh?

god, i don't know where to begin. i got out of therapy a few months ago since i was deemed "cured," but the gang thinks otherwise. they know the night terrors haven't gone away, and they definitely noticed that my depression has gotten worse.

my headache is killing me right now. i'll write later.

* * *

i'm fine.

i'm fine, okay? it's been six months since i last wrote in this thing, and i honestly couldn't care less about trying to find a consistant schedule for my entries. i don't care. why do i even bother in the first place? it's just a hobby i was pressured into doing.

well too bad. i'm not writing in this shit anymore.

* * *

...hey.

i know what you're thinking: 'how long has it been since he's last written here?'

well...it's been...a while.

oh, and before you say anything else, this isn't him. it's his brother, soda. now you're probably wondering why i'm the one writing here...the answer is rather simple.

darry killed himself two years ago. stole one of our dad's guns from the attic and shot himself clean through his skull.

...i'm sorry.

— sodapop curtis

୨୧ the end

[hauntinq-6]

The chronic pain that's been haunting me for five years might not be what I thought.

So... the fuck do I do with this information now?

To explain:

Five years ago, not too long before covid hit and while I was still in high school, I started having these "episodes".

One night I woke up suddenly in the wee hours of the morning (somewhere around 2-3 am). I was in pain and it was something like I'd never felt before. It was like somebody was stabbing me in the abdomen. I had this pain that started on the right side of my body and spread through my whole belly and my whole back. It hurt to the point where I couldn't find a comfortable position and it was almost hard to breathe. I tried taking some painkillers but the pain just wouldn't leave me alone. That was the first of many sleepless nights.

Sometimes it would happen once every two or three months, other times once or twice a week. My final exams were in full swing and sometimes I was losing sleep right when I needed it the most.

When I went to the doctor with my concerns he dismissively said that I just had some irritation in my colon and then asked me how much I weighed. He told me I should move more and change my diet. All things I could agree to for a better future, but my pain was an immediate problem and I had no solution.

My doctor gave me no clear diagnosis or explanation for my pain and just prescribed me some antispasmodics to take whenever I needed them.

I continued on like this for a while but I was unsatisfied and unhappy with the "solution" he gave me. I even went to a specialist but he just seemed puzzled and also didn't really help me, and so I went on like this for five, long years.

At some point I tried searching for some answers myself, and the closest thing I could find as a suitable explanation was IBS... which essentially meant that there really wasn't much I could do to make it go away.

I was sad, but at least I was somewhat satisfied with that explanation. Some more weird things started happening around a year ago, but since my doctor didn't want to take me seriously and I thought I had IBS I just didn't question any of it.

Fast forward to last month, when I woke up at 6 am once again, in unbearable pain. But this time it was different. It was stronger and my stomach felt like it was full of rocks or something from how tense it felt. At first I just waited it out because this pain had happened to me once or twice in the last year but it lasted only a few minutes. This one didn't, and it kept increasing, to the point where I was audibly crying and complaining. I had never felt anything quite like that. I took my antispasmodics and, eventually, it died down... but during lunch it came back.

THAT had never happened before. Usually once it's gone it's gone, but not that time. I was starting to feel scared, and my mother as well. That's when we decided to go the ER.

Long story short: I have gallbladder stones.

It's not a big deal. All I need to do is to get rid of my gallbladder and I should be fine. It's a simple, quick procedure and the recovery should be rather swift.

It's been a month now since that ER visit and for now I am on a strict diet to make sure I don't put any extra strain on my gallbladder in case the stones shift around and obstruct the bile ducts (that's what causes that terrible pain).

At first I thought to myself "wow. IBS and gallbladder stones? Just my luck." But tonight I has a sudden thought.

I had modified my diet plenty of times in the past and the pain never left me, but now that I am following this specific diet, suddenly I don't wake up in the middle of the night anymore?? Yeah, no, things don't fucking add up.

I did a quick search on the symptoms of colics related to gallbladder stones and wouldn't you fucking know it...

"Acute pain on the right side of the abdomen that spreads through the whole back and can last from a few minutes to a few hours".

Are you fucking kidding me?

I spent five years not knowing what the hell was wrong with me and all it took for me to finally get the truth was to be in so much pain that I had to go to the ER??

Look, I know there are people out there who suffer much worse things on the daily, but those nights when the pain would hit I felt like I was slowly going insane. My mental health just tanked and it got to the point where I just started fucking hating my body. I hated the fact it couldn't function properly and I hated the fact I could never truly have full control over it, because no matter what I did I could wake up in pain any night. I spent countless nights crying to myself while waiting for the meds to finally take the pain away. I have been miserable. I got used to feeling like shit and yet sometimes it all just got to be too much. Anxiety, fear, sadness and pain.

And now I come to find out that there's a very high chance that this could all finally go away with a simple surgery.

Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed that maybe, MAYBE I can fix this and finally get back to my normal life... but all this pain could've been avoided if my doctor had just listened to me.

Yeah, thanks asswipe, I know I'm fat, I don't need you to remind me, but this is a new pain and it's very bad and I'm scared and MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT IT.

Five years of PURE SHIT and it all could've been fixed in a matter of weeks if somebody had just taken the time to actually hear me out and investigate the problem.

I am so pissed off and just sad right now and my emotions are all over the place. I am not even sure why I am writing this all down, but perhaps it will help me vent and MAYBE somebody else could find this useful.

Always listen to your body, people.

[dantegreaves00]

And Hell Followed - A Far Cry 5 x FtM Reader series Part Six

Deputy Y/N Jackson is in the middle of a Holy War in Hope County Montana. Originally sent to arrest Joseph Seed he ended up becoming the leader of the Resistance, but the deputy has a secret. A secret that only Whitehorse knows. When his younger brother and sister show up one day out of the blue, Y/N finds out that his own personal hell has found him. Now with the help of the very people he was supposed to stop can he save his family and himself?

I know this summary sucks.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this slow burn series

Trigger Warnings

Mentions of past child abuse

Mentions of past child SA

Mentions of SA

Stalking

Guns

Drugs

Religion bashing (the Deputy has religious trauma)

Religious trauma

Transphobia

Homophobia

Angst

Tag list

@gamergirl-06 @capriskunk @transpanda07

This part eludes to sex but I suck at writing smut so yeah maybe in a future part.

-------------------------------------------------------

After a few hours, me and Jacob were able to come up with a plan to keep my younger siblings safe, but in order for the plan to work I'd have to talk to Eli and get him on my side.

"Oh and Deputy" Jacob called out to me as I was about to leave.

"Yeah?"

"Go see John later, you two need to talk"

"About what?" I dumbly asked.

"About what happened between you, to be completely honest with you, when I walked in the other night and caught you two about to kiss, I was planning on shooting you right there and then, but I noticed the way John looked at you" he paused for a moment before continuing "I can tell he likes you, he... I just hope you don't hurt him that's all"

"So you're giving me your blessing to be with your little brother?" I asked him leaning against his office door.

"When you put it like that, I guess I am" he said walking towards me "just... do you like him?"

That took me by surprise.

Do I like him?

I hadn't had much time to really think about it, but the more I did the more I realised that yes I did like John. I'd go as far as say I even loved him.

Jacob was looking at me waiting for an answer, his had flexing by his side.

"Guess you could say that, yeah I do like him" I told him with a smile.

"Tell him then, he's been through a lot" he said as he moved me to the side to open the door.

After saying goodbye I left the Veteran's center and headed off towards the Wolf's Den.

••Timeskip••

I finally made my way into the Wolf's den. Eli was sat by the security cameras that were looking over the Whitetail mountains.

"Deputy, good to see you again kid" Eil said, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"Eli I need to talk to you about something, and it needs to be in private" I told him as I placed my radio on the workbench.

After getting another Whitetail to watch the cameras, Eli led me to one of the rooms at the back of the bunker before he closed the door.

"So what did you want to talk about kid?" Eli asked me as he sat down next to me on one of the beds.

"My father is out of prison and now my family is in danger" I told him before taking a deep breath "I've already spoken to Jacob, he's agreed to help me keep them safe but I need your help as well"

"And you trust Jacob Seed, kid I know your scared but you know what he's capable of"

"Of course I know Eli, you think I haven't thought this through, I know the risks involved but I don't know man" I said before breaking down crying, all of the stress finally catching up to me.

Eli awkwardly pulled me into a side hug and let me cry into his shoulder.

"Come on kid talk to me, tell me what's going on"

"I kissed John Seed earlier today, it just happened and now I don't know, I hate the Cult and everything they stand for with a passion, I know what John's done to people but..."

"But you can't help who you fall in love with I know kid" Eli said cutting me off.

"Yeah" I said broken.

We sat in silence for a while before my teas finally stopped flowing. We just sat there.

"Dep, I know what the others are going to say, but I just want you to know that I'm on your side, no matter what, so anything you need me to do I'll do it" he said before he pulled out his radio.

"Jacob Seed, it's Eli Palmer, Dep has just told me everything so let's talk"

"I wasn't expecting you to be on board with this Palmer"

"Yeah, well I am so how about a meeting, you and your family, me and a few Whitetails and Sheriff Whitehorse and Deputy tomorrow at 5pm"

There was a moment of silence before Jacob replied.

"Tomorrow at 5pm"

••Timeskip••

After making sure Elijah and Ava were safe with Nick and Kim, I made my way over to John's.

When he opened the door, I grabbed the collar of his shirt and brought him down for a kiss, his shock wore off and he began kissing me back, strong tattooed arms drew me closer to his body before he started to walk us into his ranch...

••Timeskip after sexy times••

We were laying in his bed, my head against his chest and my fingers tracing the sloth scar. John was drawing random shapes on my back as he looked down at me smiling.

"We are going to hafta talk about this thing between us Dep" he said breaking the silence.

"Y/N"

"What?"

"My name is Y/N"

"Y/N, it suits ya"

"Thanks Cher my mom helped me pick it"

[z-haven]

I feel you linger in the air ep 12 thoughts.

Somehow I ended up watching the cut version of the episode because the uncut version was unlisted. So I did just watch the scenes I missed and then later on I'll watch the entire full version.

But first off, I heard that season 2 is confirmed and this just makes me so happy and seeing Commander Yai in Jom's dream made so much sense because I'm so looking forward to their arc too. But first let me cry about my 1920s Yai and 2023 Jom please because they are literally breaking my heart.

Yai and Jom are connected through dreams and time. A dream would lead Jom to (with Yai's help) frantically dig near a frangipani tree and not find what the dream showed him because it was never his time to find it. Season 2 would hopefully elaborate on the existence of the gold lion designed ring. We know the ring is connected to the other Yai. And remember his words (translated to English) "Jom, listen to me. I may give you this ring so that you'll be reminded that my heart will be only yours forever." A ring placed on his left ring finger and a vow to love him forever. Alright, who's sobbing now?

A quick google search and right at the top of my search page showed that the gold lion ring worn on someone's right hand enhances leadership qualities while on the left increases the protection of the wearer. Jom wears it on his left hand so obviously it signifies him being protected and also loved by Yai.

But in all seriousness I believe that when Jom meets Yai in the other timeline and he receives this ring he will know that the dream he had was meant to come true. But just like he's had the opportunity to experience 1920s Yai's love in real time, so too will he be able to experience 1967's Yai love as well.

But back to the 'current' Yai and Jom. They know what's going on with Jom's fading away and finding ways to come to terms with it and make it easier on each other. Yai will cover all of the mirrors so Jom doesn't have to constantly experience worry over his unusual situation and Jom affirm to Yai through words and touch that he is right here with Yai and that their love anchors them to the present.

Which is why their lovemaking scene felt like it might be their last, or they'll treat every moment like it's their last, like they're holding on to a lifeline. Yai and Jom's tears are a combination of their euphoric feelings during sex and the knowledge that they may never see each other again. But I'd prefer to focus on the euphoric feelings as Jom wraps his arms around Yai.

And Jom, doesn't leave any loose ends unraveling even as he knows that he and Yai may eventually part ways. One of the ways he does this is by letting go of Ohm fully, unknowingly to Khamsaen, by giving him advice about Fong Kaew and the possibility of their future together. A future that has hurt Jom but the fact that he's able to put that 'past' him because he realized that even if someone left a negative impression in your life, there may be some sort of lesson that's learnt from your experience with them. Khamsaen may not fully register Jom's words to him nor will Ohm make the connection to his past life and Jom's involvement but it's a way for Jom himself to let go of all the hurt he experienced with Ohm and focus on Yai, even if they're on limited time.

Pilot scenes are always slightly different either with clothing choices or even setting and personally I don't mind because I'm always surprised by them. Especially since I didn't realize that Yai's little budding artist moment would be the moment Jom isn't just transparent but is literally fading before his very eyes. And what else could they do but hold on to each other, reaffirm their love and Jom's promise to wait for him at the House of Palathip.

Because that house is the focal point for their connection to each other - through time, through dreams and through promises, through Jom and Yai's drawings that connect the past and present and through a letter from Yai that Jom was meant to access after Yai's death, after all these years.

But Yai's here, right in front of him. But how? Did he time travel?Maybe I am reading this wrong. Maybe this is a 2023 version of Yai who knows his past but then he says "I have never left this place." Which made me think that this is still 1920s Yai and that because Yai has penned his love for Jom in that letter, because even drawings can link past to present/future that it acted as a gateway for him and Jom to meet again. Because as they kissed, the scene changes and we're back at the house being the way it was when Yai and Jom spent their time together. Because within that house, they are each other's home.

Edit: (so depending on from whom you reblog whether it's directly through me or through another this may or may not show up). So basically.

We're not sure of a season 2 (Nonkul got my hopes up and there was the after credit scene) but I'm looking at Director Tee with very hopeful eyes "Pretty please"

2023 Yai is Yai Kanthorn - a reincarnation of 1920s Yai who remembers his past. And it makes sense. This is a time travel/reincarnation storyline.

[reilleclan-blog]

This world has seriously lost the plot, I am so tired so tired of constantly waking up. This system is collapsing all this news shit is just a compilation of capitalism failing . And I'm so fucking tired of this shit I'm so fucking anxious about every goddamn thing . I hate work no REAL HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE WORKING 40hrs A WEEK . THIS WORLD HAS TAKEN SO MANY THINGS AND JUST REARRANGED THEM INTO DIFFERENT SHIT. SLAVERY IS PRISON SYSTEMS, HAVING A DAMN JOB IS SLAVERY BY CHOICE, ITS ALL BULLSHIT. I'm so angry and sad I'm so sad dude. This world is coming to an end , I wake up everyday like I'm waiting for the sky to fall like I'm chicken little. I remember as a kid I was being abused most of my school years grammar and highschool, and our neighbors would probably hear all of that shit for years and years. But when I'd get off the bus I'd walk past them with my headphones on and I didn't know they were talking to me I didn't hear them or was paying attention and a lot of them took such offense too that. Me a kid being hated on by adults and others because I didn't speak to them , even though everyday of my life I was being beat and verbally abused. But neighbors are worried about me thinking I'm "better than them". And b/c of this my mom got into a very heated argument with them over it, I just remember crying my eyes out b/c I just never understood why ppl hate me for the weirdest shit. Even when I thought I didn't do anything wrong I was always hated. This was my life for years still is my life, on top of still living with my abuser been abused by a lot of my family ppl I thought were supposed to protect me, this is all. My point is ppl only give a fuck about "appearances" nobody gave a fuck about me getting screamed at or me screaming my heart out b/c of how much pain I was dealing with ON MY OWN, but yeah dude call me out for not saying HELLO TO U. This world is just so sick this place makes me physically ill idk how im still going idk how im still trying to hold on to some slither of hope when most of my life I've never felt significant to anyone except my dog.

Black men police black women like police officers police black men, everyone wants some sort of power of control some power of worth. That's why so many ppl are misguided or pointing fingers at everyone else but the damn white supremacists, just conduct us to hate one another and it's that simple. The amount of times a black man felt entitled to me saying hello to them is fucking insane, if I don't say hello I'm likely dead , if I do say hello I'm likely dead, there's no winning in this situation. THERES BLACK WOMEN GOING MISSINF AND BEING KILLED EVERY SINGLE DAY BUT BLACK MEN ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT A FUCKING HELLO??? maybe protect and nurture black women and maybeee more of us would feel safe around yall . I don't feel safe I don't speak I keep to myself and I'm still seen as "rude" "aggressive" "mean" . This place makes NO FUCKING SENSE DUDE IT DOESNT. Ppl are talking about this election left and right, tbh I really don't give a flying fuck about the election this entire system is corrupt , ppl just want Donald stupid ass out of the office b/c he managed to be a menace to even republicans lol it's fucking hilarious . I genuinely loathe this place I'm ready to leave I'm ready to go . Donald Trump is the true damn hokage shoulder all the hate lookin ass(this is a fucking joke)

I'm so fucking tired why have I been lucky still breathing , idkidkidk I can't imagine my future at all I can't see myself being happy I can't see nothing. I'm terrified of this place

ITS 60DEGREES IN FUCKING CHICAGO IN FUCKING OCTOBER WTF IS GOING ONNNNN

[sylvia0106]

I hugged you in my dream and I couldn't let go it seemed so real that I almost cried. You were still you completely unknown to the fact of what has happened but I liked it I liked that it was as if nothing had ever happened that just like those every other days and months I could act I could only accept that reality that I learned to accept that reality. You know, I know, we know, it's all an act. You care, but why don't u ever care enough? Why didn't you?

Even now as I've left I grieve I still have you somewhere in my head thinking what you must even have thought. Silence is a twisted answer. Silence is never my answer to anyone. Silence isn't obvious or understandable it kills you from inside that's when you know that not only eyes not only how things are written in your face but the words that speak your heart out matter just as much.

I miss it, you felt like me. You picked me up, you were always there giving your hand to me while I was drowning only I'd never take it. You were like a feverish daydream like a cruel summer. The memories I've with you are so close to my heart memories where it was just you and me and nothing else mattered and everything else was just invisible. It was just two disoriented girls talking about life, boys, future and the past too. You made me feel so comfortable with my own self too. That you'll accept me no matter how I feel and no matter how clingy or overemotional I am. Us singing taylor Swifts songs, us listening to your favs and my favs in physics class laughing and vibing together. All the jokes you made how you always had a way made a way to make me laugh. My bed is a remembrance of you, my jacket which was yours is a remembrance of you my pens which were yours is a remembrance of you. Why is it that I leave and it's only I that grieves?

I wish you treated me better. I wish u made enough time for me out of your life. I wish you could be a better friend. I wish you could and still love me the way I did and do. Alas, that's not you but you that I always had in my head that always stopped me. The you in my head which really comforted me so much. The you which I've such great memories with. The you that I started thinking a bit of future with. I'm sorry if I hurt u when I left. One of us had to leave and I could've never be the one wasn't ever supposed to be the one to do so but it was needed. I could've always neglected my own self for you but I couldn't continue to keep doing it. I'm sorry that I was the one to leave first and soon. I didn't expect it to happen in the first place and almost ever. But I finally breathed. I finally had dimples in my smile I finally had calmness in my mind and so much burden lifted off my shoulders. I finally had myself again. It's easy for me to keep choosing you keep choosing others over my own self over my own heart over my own happiness over all of it because I've never mattered to me as much as others have but this time I choose myself I really actually choose myself and I want to and I need to keep choosing myself even stop this stop justifying all of my actions justifying my needs justifying my expectations and justifying even my feelings of hurt because I'm a human too.

Humans heart, humans leave, humans feel, humans cry. I thought I'm always a "supposed to be this, supposed to do this sort of person" but I shouldn't be I'm not supposed to be anyone or and do anything of what people expect from me what people think of me. Sweet good sensitive kind caring people can leave too, can cry too, can get hurt too, can get angry too, can hurt others too. And it's perfectly normal because it's human. And I'm a human too.

As a person that I wanna be now, as the person that has her eyes opened after such a long time that's finally choosing herself and seeing herself in the mirror not afraid or disgusted by her own reflection. I only have compassion to offer to you I've no anger I've no hate and I'm working towards having no guilt towards you. I wish my old self wishes I could still be your friend but my own self now knows that it hurt all these months all these days it ached and it ached so much and I had to still carry it I had to still live with it through it with not you by my side but my own shadows my own demons and my own inner child.

So my dear soulmate, I still love you I still think of you of us I can never forget the memories we have together and I can never hurt u any more or be hurt. Thankyou for giving me such sweet times in my life such sweet memories to always look back too it was genuine and for that I'm extremely grateful

Goodbye.

[hfjfotjihii]

sentence starters taken from ludo's album "you're awful, i love you"

LOVE ME DEAD.

"High-maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen."

"Kill me romantically."

"You're awful, I love you."

"You suck so passionately."

"You're a parasitic, filthy creature finger-banging my heart."

"You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?"

"You're hideous and sexy."

"How's your new boy? Does he know about me?"

"You're born of a jackal, you're beautiful!" DRUNKEN LAMENT.

"You said "Forever." Tell me, why can't you stay?"

"Say the word and I'll change."

"Tell me "Forever." Tell me you'll come back to stay." PLEASE.

"I'll come back for you, love, I promise to."

"I'll be gone by first light, last chance, hold tight." TOPEKA.

"Do you think you'll get away from the past?"

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." LAKE PONTCHARTRAIN.

"It was the kinda night that makes you think the whole world's goin' to hell."

"That's how it happened, why would I lie?"

"There were no bodies; I've got nothin' to hide." SUCH AS IT ENDS.

"I've been losing sleep for days."

"Into the flames we'll start again, and in the end I'll be with you." MUTINY BELOW.

"But you're here now, can you come in?"

"You made me feel alive again, I wish we'd never met."

"I finally let go and learned to live without you."

"Just one more night."

"I can't hang on, let me go." STREETLIGHTS.

"Against our two rooms, I'll see you tonight." GO-GETTER GREG.

"Hi. You must be new, I guess at least you're new to me."

"Saw you unpacking your car, so I said to myself, "Maybe I should help them out," since we're neighbors now."

"By the way, I live in 207, my name is _____."

"Wherever are my manners? Let me get that heavy box!"

"Didn't mean to sneak up on you there. I looked downstairs and saw you leaving, so what's up?"

"I haven't seen you at the pool since the barbecue. Not that I've been checking."

"Here's the deal, I've got this thing for work this weekend and I was wondering if you don't have anything going on, then maybe-"

"Okay, hey, that's cool, you're busy."

"I've given it some thought and I really think that you could use a guy like me in your life."

"I'll leave it there. Call me back. Call me back." THE HORROR OF OUR LOVE.

"I've murdered half the town, left you love notes on their headstones."

"I'll fill the graveyards until I have you."

"I'm your servant, my immortal."

"There's catastrophe in everything I'm touching."

"You die like angels sing."

"Oh, the horror of our love, never so much blood." SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM.

"Would you ever stop and listen?"

"Would you open up your eyes?"

"Would you scream with me?"

"There's nothing catchy 'bout the life of a saint."

"Say goodnight, goodbye, love. In the morning you will see."

"I'd rip my eyes out for you!"

"It's so dark tonight, I don't know why."

"Would it make you cry?"

"Would you finally see that all your lives are moments?"

"All your words and closeness keep you here and human."

"Do you think they'll ever care?" IN SPACE.

"No celestial body could compare to you."

"I can't wait for gravity to bring you close to me."

"I bet the leaves are changing there again."

"I hope this message finds you and you won't feel so alone, even if I never make it home."

"All I think about is you and me."

"Your picture's all I look at."

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Here's a show I've been watching on the side without mentioning. This is Galilei Donna - an A-1 Pictures original anime that I'd literally never heard of and which turned 10 years old while I watched it. I came across it because my friend was watching anime he found using the random button on anidb, this turned up, he reacted to the first episode for a youtube channel we semi-unseriously run, I thought it actually looked kind of awesome, and then I watched the rest of the show myself. So let's talk about it!

Galilei Donna is a cool original action show in which three sisters descended from Galileo Galilei are framed by a multinational corporation and a corrupt police force and are forced on the run, branded as international criminals, and being hunted by said corporation, the law, and even air pirates for good measure. It exists in a setting which seems like a near-future but largely contemporary version of modern day earth, although as the series continues it becomes clear that it's almost better considered a different timeline version of earth altogether, using different energy sources which have resulted in different versions of transport including armoured metal airships which see civilian use (strangely normal cars exist but are all just destroyed and abandoned on the streets?), and also this earth is downright pre-apocalyptic, with the show calling attention to a sort of global freezing suggesting a new fucking ice age. The show's moment-to-moment largely consists of our main characters going from place to place seeking the treasures of Galileo to potentially avert their global energy crisis, all the while escaping from their would-be-captors. And of course during all this we laugh and we cry and we meet new people and say tragic farewells, the characters learn a little bit more about each other and a little bit more about themselves, all that good stuff.

I'd fully say that if all that sounds good to you, then just go and watch the show. The series by and large follows through on the majority of the good you'd expect from that premise, and in terms of sheer fun, yeah it's all there. But here's where we get to the caveats. The buts. The if only this was differents. The biggest and kind of just the main one, plain and simple, is that the show absolutely doesn't have enough time for how ambitious it is. The cast is big, the show has a lot of moving pieces in the plot, there's multiple villain factions, the future of the world is questionable and yet pieces of the past are relevant too, there's a global travel aspect in there, there's a criticism and takedown of capitalism and the elements comprising it, thematically it's going for a lot of stuff, there's just a lot here. And it has 11 episodes to do all of that. 13 episodes would've been a bit more breathing room, ideally it could have an entire additional cour - but the 11 that it's left with is downright suffocating. The show doesn't really attempt to downsize its narrative to fit within the final episode count, so we end up with even main characters having little to no development whatsoever, and majorly significant pieces of the plot happening completely off-screen, only becoming relevant in the final episode, itself a courtroom drama episode of all things? Every single aspect of this series is begging to be fleshed out and explored more and the overwhelming majority of it just isn't given that chance. Eldest sister Hazuki's worldview is majorly challenged only to be relegated to a background gag argument. Middle sister Kazuki is defined by a love interest who doesn't even have a name. Youngest sister Hozuki takes until the semi-final episode to have any development whereby she acknowledges herself as socially out of step with other people despite the events of the rest of the show suggesting otherwise. And that's for the literal main protagonists of the show! Once you move onto supporting there's a major recurring anti-villain into anti-hero whose name I don't even remember the show telling me at any point, I just know it because of MAL! Like all in all this is a show that desperately wishes it could be more, and it just wasn't given that opportunity.

Also this one doesn't fit into the last paragraph anywhere but this show's music is Scooby Doo-core and the tonal whiplash is cracked.

This is one of those shows where I watched it, I liked it, and when it was all said and done I was bummed out that there wasn't more of it. And I think that was probably true of Aniplex as well - whom I am singularly attributing the production of the show to for the sake of brevity, but obviously more companies and people were evolved, yadda yadda, just ignore me. But a quick glance at the series' still-alive website reveals a series attempting to push a solid amount of goods out for a random original series, and a look at the twitter seemingly suggests there was even a life-size statue of Hozuki on display for some Noitamina Shop thing? Which is like, kind of a big deal, to some degree. Certainly this was a show that I have to assume had some pretty heavy marketing push if it's getting stuff like that. And yet for all that, absolutely no western presence or even really awareness of the series, and total blu-ray sales under 1000 volumes. Galilei Donna is a flop, a flop that wanted more and wasn't given it. A flop that several companies wanted to make them a gajillion dollars while themselves not pouring enough resources into the series to let it see its artistic vision through to the end. Maybe. That part's absolutely just speculation and I'd need to do a deeper dive into whatever knowledge of the production is public - although even saying that I have to assume if anything like that exists it's purely in Japanese and I don't speak that language soooooooo

But hey, all in all, if you asked me "how was Galilei Donna?", I'd respond by saying that it was just